used

Since I was in elementary school I have written songs and poems and always figured sometime I would take the time to sort and organize and compile them into a neat little book. Well, not yet. So, when I was in college, I started writing a book entitled, "How to Survive a Christian College." I think I had maybe half a chapter! A few years after my divorce, my plan was to write a book entitled, "Diary of a Divorce." All those chapters were only written in my head! So, my plan to enlighten the world with my depth of emotion and wisdom has not come to fuition. Sigh. I did start a few years ago to just post my thoughts and sometimes songs and poems on facebook. That was pretty neat, but then those posts are lost between the posts about what I had for breakfast and what I was going to watch on TV that night.

So, here I am starting a blog! Well, I figure even if no one ever reads this, it will still be a good way for me to get my thoughts out and recorded. I have entitled this, "used." Yes, I know that technically it should be capitalized. I mean, I do teach reading. And more importantly, I had an English minor as a college roommate for two years! But, this word has special meaning- and I see it as lowercase.

Have you ever felt used? Have you ever felt like tossed away refuse? Abandoned? Wanted by no one? I  have. I have struggled with these feelings for years and still do from time to time. I know that God loves me, but for some reason, for years that was not enough. But, I have come to realize that indeed, God is enough. He is enough.

I have loved Jesus since I was a very little girl. I wanted to be used in his kingdom. What I came to realize is that for years, I wanted to be used by God in the manner which I saw fit. I saw it this way- He is the Potter, I am the clay. But, I'd like to be a nice pretty vase that everyone looks at and goes, "Wow, look what the Potter did with that chunk of clay!" Only in the last few years have I come to realize that if I am truly to allow myself to be the clay, well, then it was up to the Potter what to make of me. When my husband first left years ago, I remember crying to a close friend, lamenting, "I was supposed to be the example of a Christian wife and mother. Our family was supposed to be the Christian family that everyone looks at!" (wow, what an ego, but I digress.)

My friend simply said to me, "Well, maybe you are supposed to be the example of what a Christian woman does when her husband leaves."

"That's not what I want!" I cried. Then it hit me. Oh, probably not right then, but eventually. Do I only want to be used by God if it fits into my neat little plan?

Maybe the Potter wants me to be a plate. But, I don't want to be a plate. No one notices a plate. But, a plate is useful. The world needs plates.

God, if you want me to be a plate, I'll be a plate. As long as by you, I'm used.