And the Award Goes to...

So, this is the time of year when facebook is plastered with pictures of children graduating, going to award ceremonies, accepting their Nobel peace prizes, etc. Ok, maybe the last one doesn't happen very often.

First of all, please don't get me wrong. If your children have graduated or won awards, I think that is GREAT! I'd probably be posting about it, too!

However, I've recently been to two end of the year events for my children where awards were handed out, and my children did not get one. That's ok. I don't believe there has to be an award for everyone. I know that our society has too much of an "everyone gets a trophy" mentality. I get it. And I agree.

I mean, truly, if they were to give out awards to everyone, I think that my son would have won the "Your Mother is So Glad that this Year is Over and Thankfully It Looks Like You're Going to Pass Everything" award. I love my son dearly, but some days I'm just glad to survive.

However, watching other children get awards while mine did not got me to thinking. You see, when I was growing up, I tended to get awards. The teachers liked me and I got good grades. What I remembered is wanting my parents to "fuss over" me. I wanted to be a big deal to them. But, nothing I did or achieved ever seemed to be a big deal. It used to really frustrate me.

Again, please don't get me wrong. I had great parents. I know that they loved me. I can see now that I wanted those awards to make them love me MORE. I can see now that my parents already loved me completely. The awards didn't matter to them. I may not have understood then, but I do now.

So, I think about my kids. Does it bother my son that he wasn't named Outstanding 7th Grade Band Member of the year? I don't know. I hope not.

So many times we depend on what the world thinks of us to determine what we think of us. My brothers and sisters, this should not be (I feel just like Paul).

Every child should have someone who loves them unconditionally no matter what. Every child should have someone who is in their corner. I know it isn't always the case, but ideally parenting should reflect God's love.

Of course, no matter what our parents are/were like, we all have someone in our corner. God. He loves us completely and fully- unconditionally. Nothing can separate us from that love (Romans 8:35-39).

Awards and achievements are great, but I shouldn't need them to feel valued.

I told my son that to me, he was the Most Outstanding 7th grader in the world.

And he seemed to be ok with that.

Mistakes I Made as a Parent (Part 2)

I can learn so much from my mistakes when I'm not busy denying them.

Yep. Here are a few more mistakes I've made....

Parenting Mistake #6: Trying to keep up appearances.
When my oldest was just an infant, I was so excited about being a stay at home mom with him. One of the perks was getting to go to Ladies Bible Class. It was wonderful. Getting there, however, wasn't always wonderful.

I remember one morning while getting ready to go, I had fed Noah, burped him, changed him, and he was in his carrier all ready. He had everything he needed. Now it was my turn to get ready.

As I sat doing my makeup/hair, he started getting fussy. I started out with There, there, sweetie, it's ok. Eventually it came to Mommy's trying to get ready, honey. Can't you just sit there quietly while mommy gets ready? To What's the matter with you? Can't you see I'm trying to get ready so that we can go study God's word? You're driving me crazy!

I was practically yelling at a three month old! For shame! I was suddenly struck with the absurdity of the situation. I was yelling at a baby because I was worried about being on time to Bible Class. Talk about straining the gnat and swallowing the camel! (Matthew 23:24)

I learned that day that how I treat people and take care of my family is much more important than having the whole world think that I have it all together.

There were times when we showed up for Wednesday night Bible class and one of my kids didn't have any shoes on. Or maybe only had one. Or maybe had two shoes, but they didn't match. I didn't care.

There were times (still are) when we show up for worship late. Generally speaking, my kids usually have matching shoes on now, but sometimes their fashion choices are odd. Again, who cares?

If we had to be perfect to go to worship, well, we'd never go.


Parenting Mistake #7: Thinking that if I taught things the perfect way, it only took once.
I remember Noah going through a phase (he was about 2) where he was hitting. I thought if I only knew the right thing to say, or if I only spanked him the right way, etc that he would learn immediately. If punishment were only severe enough and swiftly enough, the problem would be solved.

I read somewhere that it doesn't work that way. Seems like it takes hundreds of times for a child to hear something for it to finally sink in. Hundreds? Sigh. This would not be easy, or come naturally (please refer back to mistakes #4 and #5).

It was a good thing that I learned this before Koby came along. I love Koby with all my heart, but he is the reason that I bought and read Dobson's new revised edition of The Strong Willed Child. I knew that Koby needed me to be the parent. I had learned that it wouldn't be easy or come naturally. I had learned that I had to be intentional and that it would take time. And energy. But he was definitely worth it.

Parenting takes time. Lots of it.


Parenting Mistake #8: Judging other parents.
I'll admit that I used to struggle with judging other parents. Oh, maybe I didn't say anything out loud, but I thought it. It seemed that I always was most critical to parents who were just ahead of me.

For example, before I had any kids, I remember thinking things like, Wow, their car seats are so messy! I will never let my car get that dirty!

When my kids were babies, I thought, Wow, I can't believe that they let their children run around like that! Mine will always be sitting perfectly still!

When mine were toddlers, I thought, Wow, I can't believe that parent let's their child come to church dressed like that! Don't they even comb their hair? (And we all know how I turned out on this one!)

You get the idea.

I've since learned to not judge. And I've come to appreciate those who do not judge me.

Everybody is pretty much doing the best that they can. If they aren't, well, then the most helpful thing I can do is to just do my best and be an example.

Parenting Mistake #9: Thinking that my kids had to have the best of everything.
When my kids were younger, I wanted them (or really me) to have the best. I cared about them wearing Stride-Rite shoes or having the latest baby gadget.

One advantage of being a single parent is that people do not expect your kids to have it all. I no longer want my kids to have it all. When compared to the rest of the world, we do already have it all. I want my kids to understand how blessed we are- how rich we are.

At my home we talk frequently about how wonderful it is to have a house and a car. Not everyone has that. And we never have to worry about our next meal or if we'll have clean water. Not everyone can say that.


Parenting Mistake #10: Thinking that I needed to give my kids everything I had growing up plus all the things that I didn't have, but wish that I'd had.
Recently, we cut down the tree in our front yard. Two years ago a storm took out half of it and it never recovered. For a moment, I felt this sense of failure. My children would never have a tree house. That was something I always wanted. Now, it would never be.

This kind of falls into trying to make everything perfect. Having this ideal world that we want to present to our kids, but always falling short.

We have these expectations that we can usually never live up to. Sometimes when we are trying to live up to expectations, we miss the joy of the actual life we're living.

Parenting Mistake #11: Thinking that whatever was happening would be happening forever.
This too shall pass is one of my favorite phases. It works for both positive and negative things. Whatever stage you are in, just enjoy it as best you can because it won't last long. If it's a terrible stage and you feel like you can't take it any more, well, just hold on because it won't last forever either.

I remember when Noah was a toddler, he would not go to sleep unless I was with him. I had to lay down in his bed with him. He had learned my sneaky ways, so he got to where he would practically sleep on top of my head so he would wake up when I started to escape, uh, I mean get up. This was true for naps as well as night time.

I would lay there and think about all that I needed to get done. Laundry, dishes, etc. I felt bitterness and a hint of rage swell up in frustration.

Then it finally hit me that this would not last forever. He would grow up too soon and not want me anywhere near him. I decided to relax and just enjoy the moment. I would just stare at his sweet face. Laundry and dishes could wait.

My children are teenagers now and I'm still learning. These are just some of the mistakes that I remember. I'm sure there are more.

I'm also sure that I'll continue to make even more mistakes. Hopefully, I'll recognize them and learn from them so that tomorrow I'll do better than I did today.

Mistakes I Made as a Parent (Part 1)

So, my post "Mistakes I Made in My Marriage" got more hits in 24 hours than any other post I've written. Maybe it's because people are curious. Most likely, it's simply because we all just seek validation that we are not the only ones who do not (or did not) have a perfect marriage. We all make mistakes. I recently heard a saying that I really like:

I can learn so much from my mistakes when I'm not busy denying them.

Yep.

So, I thought, hey, I've made lots of mistakes along the way. Why not share some more?

Parenting mistake #1: Not listening to my mother.
When my oldest, Noah,  was just over a year old, he was crying and would not go to sleep. His father and I tried everything we could think of. We rocked him, we tried to let him cry it out. I'm humiliated to say that we spanked him. In desperation, we drove around for more than an hour. Surely he'd fall asleep in the car.

My mother insisted that he was sick. I was sure that he was not. He was old enough to be exerting some rebellion, but not old enough to verbalize. I was sure that he was just being stubborn. I mean, how could my mother, who had raised three children to adulthood know more than me with my now more than one full year of experience?

Finally, after we were up all night, we called the doctor and took him in. He had stopped crying, but still no sleep.

He was sick. His little throat was bright red. I think it was tonsillitis. Hang head in shame.

From that time on, I listened to my mother (for the most part). Also, I have apologized to my now 16 year old son for scarring him for life on that horrendous night. He says that he doesn't remember it, but I'm sure that one day it will come out of his subconscious when he's in therapy.

Parenting Mistake #2: Not accepting help/ Being defensive when offered help
Great grandmother to my toddler: Oh, look at those long fingernails! Come here and let me cut those for you!
What I heard: Oh, you poor child! I can't believe that your mother doesn't take care of you! For shame!! She obviously needs someone to step in on your behalf. Come here and let me clip your fingernails!

It took me a while, but eventually I realized that I could not do this parenting thing alone (I became a single parent when my oldest was 3 1/2 and my youngest was a baby). I set my pride aside and accepted help wherever it was offered.

Babysit? You bet! Clip their fingernails? Yes, please! Hand-me down clothes? Yay!

Parenting Mistake #3: Trying to get my child to do things too early/soon
I'll just say it like it is, I tried to potty train my first son WAY too soon. You know, you have other mom friends with kids the same age and we are always talking about what milestones our child is reaching. Also, reading the book What to expect each and every minute of your child's first three years of life- I knew what I should be doing!

So, I don't even remember how old he was, but I went all out- bought the potty seat, read the potty book, bought the pull ups and the big boy underwear. And I was a stressed-out mess for weeks. Accident after accident after accident. But, how could I let my child fall behind? Didn't I owe it to him to keep trying?

No, no, I did not. So I gave up. We went to just pull-ups and no pressure. For what seemed like eternity. Until he was ready. And that's all it took, was for him to be ready. No stress, no worries.

I remember someone telling me that most likely, he would not graduate from high school still in diapers, drinking from a bottle, and sucking on his pacifier. So, why worry? You know what? He's 16, and yep, no diapers, no bottle and no paci!

With my second son, Koby, I just waited. And waited. And when he was ready for whatever next step there was to take- well, we took it. No stress, no worries.

Parenting Mistake #4: Thinking it would be easy.
I had wanted to be a parent as far back as I could remember. I loved children. I babysat all the time. I was going to be the perfect mother. When I was pregnant, I read every book I could get my hands on. I was ready. I thought.

I was thirty years old when I had my first baby. I was married with a great support system. I remember thinking, Here I am and I can barely cope! How in the world does a 16 year old girl do this on her own?

I don't remember anyone telling me how hard it was going to be.

I don't remember anyone telling me that there would be times that I wanted to throw my child out the window. (Please don't call CPS. I would never actually do that, but there have been plenty of times when I felt like it.)

This one sort of leads to my next mistake....


Parenting Mistake #5: Thinking it all came naturally.
If I'm a good mother, won't I just know what to do? I used to look at others and think, wow, they know what to do, why don't I?

I remember watching one of my friends with her children. She just hugged and kissed on them all the time. She told them how much she loved them. Her love just oozed out of her. I remember wondering why I wasn't like that. Then it hit me. I could be. I just needed to be intentional about it. Some things don't come naturally. They come when we are intentional.

So, I set about to show more love to my children. And you know what? It was wonderful!

I remember another friend of mine who always was prepared wherever we went. She had snacks when snacks were needed. She had wipes when they were needed. I watched and learned from her as well. Maybe she had watched and learned from another mom.

This is a Biblical concept. Titus 2:4 These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children...

Things didn't usually just come naturally. I had to learn them.

The Perfect Mother's Day

Here is how I expect my mother's day will go, at least from the previous years' indications:

First, I will awaken to the sweet smells of bacon, eggs, and french toast. MMMMmmmm!

I will hear the gentle laughter of my children working together in the kitchen to prepare the masterpiece breakfast.

"Here, let me help you!"

"Why, thank you!"

I will smile as they bring in the tray of perfectly cooked treats garnished with a single rose in a bud vase.

I will sit up as they walk in my room, already dressed in their Sunday best, cards and presents in hand, gently setting the tray down on the bed as they burst into "For she's a jolly good mother!" ♪♫

And then I will wake up.

No, this has never happened. Nor do I expect it to. Ever. And that's ok.

Mother's day is generally just another ordinary Sunday morning where we are running around trying to find socks and something to wear to church.

My life is filled with ordinary days. Perfectly wonderful ordinary days.

Sometimes my kids fight. Sometimes they make poor choices.

But let me tell you what else happens on these perfectly ordinary days.

"Mom, now that you're not on whole30, want me to make you some nachos?" (That happened just last night! And I said yes!)

Voicemails from my 16 year old always end with "Love you!"

"Why thank you!" (They do actually say that sometimes!)

"That's so nice of you!"

"I'll do it for you, mom."

"Mom, you buy the burgers and I'll cook them on the grill!"

And sometimes, I even do get breakfast in bed!

These mixed with random notes of love and appreciation, unexpected gestures of kindness, and subtle glimpses into the men they will one day become fill my ordinary days.

And these days make every day the perfect mother's day.

Yes, I do got this!

Have you seen this 15 second commercial?
If the video doesn't come through, here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41-TNC3W6uo

I love it. Let me tell you why.

I used to be the woman with the list. I went thru life checking off all the things that I needed to do. I was running around making sure that I did everything right, that I considered and weighed all options- essentially ensuring that my life was perfect.

Ha! What my life was- was hectic. Running from place to place. Worrying that I would miss something. Desperate to make the right choices.

I liked being the woman with the list. People could look at me and say, "Wow, look at her! She has it all together!" Little did they know that with the list comes stress and frantic-ness. Is that a word?

Little did they know (or did I know) that I didn't have it all together.

Then, I learned how to be like the husband in the commercial. I decided to take my life (the list) and hand it over to the one who was the Expert (the Ikea employee)- the one who knew everything about the list.

I handed my life over to God and said, "You got this, right?"

And God replied, "I do got this."

Ahhh, relax.

Come unto me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:17-18.

Of course I'm not saying that I can simply place my order for my life with God. I do not hand him a list of wants. I hand him my life. What he does with it is up to Him.

But, I can relax.

Because He does got this.

Mistakes I Made in My Marriage

I'm divorced. At times I feel like I walk around with a big scarlet D emblazoned on my chest. That's baggage that I am working on turning over (but that's another blog). I didn't want my marriage to end. But it did. I can tell you more if you would like. Just ask.

I have come to acknowledge the many mistakes that I made during my marriage. Of course I know it wasn't totally all my fault. I am only trying to reflect and accept responsibility for my part.

First and foremost, I had this incredible need to be right. Pretty much at any cost. And cost it did. Probably most of my mistakes can be traced back to this.

If we were driving somewhere (see what I did there- I mean, I wasn't even the one driving- he was), I always knew the fastest and most effective route. And I was vocal and insistent about it.

If we were in disagreement about something, I kept my ground. I held on to it and went to great lengths to prove that I was right. If I'd have had my iphone back then, I could have kept Siri busy looking up things to prove that I was indeed correct in the matter. Of course, I wasn't always right, but I'd die trying to prove that I was.

If my husband made some kind of mistake- any kind of mistake, I felt duty bound to confront him about it. I wasn't always harsh, but it didn't matter. I rarely let things go. I see that now.

If there was a decision to be made, I obviously knew the best choice. Obviously. How arrogant could I be? Again, great lengths to show my supposed superiority.

I chose being right over "us." Being right was more important than "us." Proving that I was right was more important than maintaining unity. Oh, how foolish I was!

I not only was too concerned with being right, but I kept a record of it. I kept score. Not in a hateful, spiteful way, but it didn't matter. I kept score. I remembered wrongs. I reminded him too often of my "rightness."

What I didn't realize is that choosing "us" is more important than which house to buy, which route to take, or how to load the dishwasher. (I got that idea from the movie, "The Family Man." Great movie! Unfortunately, I discovered this after the marriage ended.)

What I didn't realize is that if we were to be a team, that meant that we were on the same side! It meant that I stood up for him, cheered for him, backed him up, and unless it was in direct conflict with God, I would do this no matter what! I should chose "us" at any cost!

What I didn't get is that it's ok to let things slide sometimes. It's ok to cut him some slack. No one can be great all the time. No one.

What I didn't get is that I don't have to, in fact I shouldn't point out all his flaws and mistakes. Good grief, he's an adult. He didn't need me to point out everything I thought was wrong in his life.

What I didn't get is that "love covers over a multitude of sins." (I Peter 4:8)

What I didn't get is that I wasn't God. I was so busy trying to improve my husband, that I was getting in God's way.

What I didn't get is that it is more important to be kind than right.

What I didn't get is that it is more important to support my husband than to be right.

What I didn't get is that it is more important to be loving than to prove that my way to cook the mac-n-cheese is the correct way. (That was actually one of our first married fights. Now, how ridiculous is that??)

Yeah, I understand more now than I did then. Hopefully now that I know better, I do better. I have apologized to my ex-husband for being so critical and controlling (making amends you know). He responded with something like, "Oh, Carol, you weren't that bad." Yeah, I think I was.

I'm not trying to be down on myself, just honest. Honest so that I can grow and change. Honest so that I can do better.

I'm trying to not make those same mistakes with my children. I'm trying to not make those same mistakes with anyone and everyone that I come in contact with.

I used to want to be known as being right- about everything.

Now I want to be known as being kind and loving.