Do Your Part or Stop Complaining (or both!)

Years ago I remember spending time complaining about how my ex-husband (oh, how I hate that word- but that's another story) was not paying child support. I was complaining to my James Group the Other Half (read Al-Anon) sponsor. Her response was basically that I needed to do something about it or stop complaining. Had I done my part? Had I filed child support papers with the attorney general? No. Then stop complaining. It was hard to hear, but a lesson I needed to learn. I wasn't emotionally ready to go to court, so I decided that my only appropriate course of action was to stop complaining. If I wasn't ready to do my part, how could I complain that he wasn't doing his part. (FYI a few years later I was ready and filed. :))

This lesson has helped me several times in my life. First, it's helped me as a parent. When my youngest was maybe two, I was at my wit's end. I mean, he was doing things he shouldn't be doing and saying things that he shouldn't be saying. Frustratingly enough, me simply saying "NO!" from across the room was not working. Imagine that. He was not meeting my expectations at all. It was at this time that I purchased and read the updated "Strong-Willed Child" by James Dobson. I realized of course that I was not doing my part. It was my job to teach him. If I loved this child and wanted to do right by him, then I needed to get up and walk across the room, kneel down to his level and say "NO!" in his face. It showed him I was serious and that I cared enough to make the effort. Of course, I would have to do this about a thousand times a day for years.

From time to time as a parent I still have to have a get serious moment with myself when I find myself being frustrated and overwhelmed by my children's behaviors. What had I done to help the situation? What was my part? Had I done my part? More often than not, I hadn't. I had to remember that I'm the adult and needed to just suck it up and do what needed to be done- be that grounding, turning off the wifi, setting up teacher conferences, etc. It is my job, after all, to teach them.

Just today I realized that I have also had to learn this lesson as a teacher. It is all to easy to gripe and complain about my students. Yesterday I was especially frustrated at the increased amount of talking and the decreased amount of working that was taking place. I was losing it. In speaking (read complaining) with a wise co-worker, I was reminded, "Have you done this? Have you done that?" In my head, I'm thinking, "Ugh! That is too much work! They need to just be quiet and work!"

I realized, once again, that it is my job to teach them. This morning in a staff meeting, we heard the phrase, "Teacher behavior drives student behavior." Sigh. Yes, it's up to me. So, I took a deep breath and simply took the time to do some re-teaching. Not yelling, not demoralizing, but re-teaching. Did it take time? Yes. Did I want to do it? No. Was it my decision to do it? Yes. Was it work? Yes. Are my students (and my sanity) worth it? You bet!

Talk is cheap. Anyone can complain about a situation. What needs to happen is someone needs to do something about it.

Back to School *insert clever saying here*

Social media is full of fun posts about back to school. Videos of dancing orangutans to describe the joy parents are feeling, and of Michael Scott screaming, "NO!" to describe how teachers are feeling. I have teacher friends who have been posting about working in their rooms, getting everything ready. Me? I haven't even stepped foot in my school since June 6th. I won't lie. I love summer, er, summer break! Sleeping late, lazy days, summer camp, youth group mission trip, fun outings, family fun, sleeping late, lazy days, you get the idea. I love summer break!

Don't get me wrong- I also love my job. I'm incredibly blessed to have it. I work in a fantastic place with even more fantastic people! And, I work with many believers- how great is that? But, I'm lazy, so sleeping late and lazy days are precious to me. Smile.

So, when back to school time rolls back around, I moan and groan. I will get my classroom in order in time. I will be grateful and happy to come to work, but a part of me is screaming, "No!"

I've always tried to love people and show Jesus in my job, even though I have struggled greatly with it. I have considered that I'm an employee of God, not CFB. But, I've kind of had the mindset of, "Well, as long as I have to be here to support my family, I should act like God wants me to."

But, lately, I'm seeing going back to school differently. God has been working extra hard on my heart this past week or so. "I have a job for you- a mission field. And it's at Vivian Field Middle School in Farmers Branch."

Will I accept his assignment?

Will I be eager to meet my new students?
Will I spend time to get to know them?
Will I be able to show love to them even when they aren't lovable?
Will I be patient with them when they act like average 7th graders?
Will I be eager to get to know my new co-workers (and the returning ones)?
Will I spend time to get to know them?
Will I be able to show love to them even when they aren't lovable?
Will I be patient with them when they act like average adults?
Will I show Jesus and share Jesus with students and staff every opportunity I can?

Gulp.

That means telling myself no. A lot.
That means being positive. A lot.
That means taking a deep breath. A lot.

God has set a task before me. Has he set one before you?

How can I scream, "No!" to such a call?

As a baptized believer, I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me! INSIDE OF ME, PEOPLE! THE HOLY SPIRIT! How dare I not let him have control!

Join me as God sends his people into the school system. Join me as we answer God's call to go into all the world. And pray for me. Pray for all teachers. Pray that we treat his children the way he wants us to.

Back to school? You bet!

"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matthew 28: 18-20

Matthew 5:43-48 for Teachers

You have heard that it was said, ‘Love the good kids and hate the others.’ But I tell you, love the kids that cause problems and pray for those who make you want to tear your hair out, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes His sun to rise on the kids from loving homes and kids from neglectful homes, and sends rain on the gifted students and the struggling students.

If you love those students who do all their work and don't get on your nerves, what reward will you get? Don't all teachers do that? And if you smile and speak nicely only to your students who smile and speak nicely to you, what are you doing more than others? Doesn't everyone do that?

I tell you, I want you to be different. Love the kid that never does his work. Smile and be kind to the kid who never has her supplies. Encourage the child who is constantly getting office referrals. Show respect to the student that does not show respect to you. Show mercy to the student who makes you want to scream, or quit, or both. Show grace to the child who just never seems to know what is going on. Speak calmly to the child who asks you what they are supposed to do when you just gave the directions for the tenth time.

Love them. All of them. Each of them. For this is the way our Father in heaven loves us- when we don't deserve it.

And, oh how glad I am He does!
cgh

What Am I Supposed To Do Again?

Frequently heard in my classroom:

Me: Ok, class, that is the end of my thorough explanation. You have now been given the instructions in clear, concise steps. You may begin.

Student: Miss, what are we suppose to do?

Me: Did you listen to the instructions?

Student: Yes.

Me: What did I say?

Student: I don't know.

*************************************

Me: Class, remember that the assignment is due tomorrow.

Student: Miss, when is this due?

*************************************

Me: Ok, any questions? *Appropriate wait time. * No, great, then everyone understands! Let's get to work.

Student: Miss, what do I do again?

*************************************

Me: What did I already tell you?

Me: What do you think you should do?

Me: Have you read the instructions?

Me: Have you asked a classmate if they know?

Me: I explained this already while you were sleeping, daydreaming, drawing, etc.

Me: Why weren't you listening?

Me: What did you do the last time we did this?

Me: I've already explained this three times.

Me: I've already explained this four times.

Me: I've already explained this a million times.

Me: What is the matter with you?

Ok, I work really hard to not say that last one. But, here we are, two more days with students until summer break,  and this is how I'm feeling...

 

 

Yes, that's me on the right.

 

I admit that by the end of the year, I'm exasperated by my students. It takes everything I have. Deep breath. Count to three. Remember that God loves this child and it's your job to show Jesus to them.

 

Ah, but so many times I lose my patience. So many times the frustration comes through in my words and tone.

 

Yesterday, I was listening to a new Christian radio station in Dallas- Air One- 101.7- (which is great, by the way).  A comment was made that caused me to realize that what my students do to me (seemingly three million times a day) is what I do to God.

 

Me: God, what am I suppose to do?

 

Me: God, I don't know what to do!

 

Me: God, could you help me, please?

 

Has God given me directions? Was I listening? Paying attention? Have I read His instructions? What have I been preparing for? Am I ready to work? Do I trust his lead?

 

Ah, God is so patient with me. And He has no summer break. 

And the Award Goes to...

So, this is the time of year when facebook is plastered with pictures of children graduating, going to award ceremonies, accepting their Nobel peace prizes, etc. Ok, maybe the last one doesn't happen very often.

First of all, please don't get me wrong. If your children have graduated or won awards, I think that is GREAT! I'd probably be posting about it, too!

However, I've recently been to two end of the year events for my children where awards were handed out, and my children did not get one. That's ok. I don't believe there has to be an award for everyone. I know that our society has too much of an "everyone gets a trophy" mentality. I get it. And I agree.

I mean, truly, if they were to give out awards to everyone, I think that my son would have won the "Your Mother is So Glad that this Year is Over and Thankfully It Looks Like You're Going to Pass Everything" award. I love my son dearly, but some days I'm just glad to survive.

However, watching other children get awards while mine did not got me to thinking. You see, when I was growing up, I tended to get awards. The teachers liked me and I got good grades. What I remembered is wanting my parents to "fuss over" me. I wanted to be a big deal to them. But, nothing I did or achieved ever seemed to be a big deal. It used to really frustrate me.

Again, please don't get me wrong. I had great parents. I know that they loved me. I can see now that I wanted those awards to make them love me MORE. I can see now that my parents already loved me completely. The awards didn't matter to them. I may not have understood then, but I do now.

So, I think about my kids. Does it bother my son that he wasn't named Outstanding 7th Grade Band Member of the year? I don't know. I hope not.

So many times we depend on what the world thinks of us to determine what we think of us. My brothers and sisters, this should not be (I feel just like Paul).

Every child should have someone who loves them unconditionally no matter what. Every child should have someone who is in their corner. I know it isn't always the case, but ideally parenting should reflect God's love.

Of course, no matter what our parents are/were like, we all have someone in our corner. God. He loves us completely and fully- unconditionally. Nothing can separate us from that love (Romans 8:35-39).

Awards and achievements are great, but I shouldn't need them to feel valued.

I told my son that to me, he was the Most Outstanding 7th grader in the world.

And he seemed to be ok with that.

Mistakes I Made as a Parent (Part 2)

I can learn so much from my mistakes when I'm not busy denying them.

Yep. Here are a few more mistakes I've made....

Parenting Mistake #6: Trying to keep up appearances.
When my oldest was just an infant, I was so excited about being a stay at home mom with him. One of the perks was getting to go to Ladies Bible Class. It was wonderful. Getting there, however, wasn't always wonderful.

I remember one morning while getting ready to go, I had fed Noah, burped him, changed him, and he was in his carrier all ready. He had everything he needed. Now it was my turn to get ready.

As I sat doing my makeup/hair, he started getting fussy. I started out with There, there, sweetie, it's ok. Eventually it came to Mommy's trying to get ready, honey. Can't you just sit there quietly while mommy gets ready? To What's the matter with you? Can't you see I'm trying to get ready so that we can go study God's word? You're driving me crazy!

I was practically yelling at a three month old! For shame! I was suddenly struck with the absurdity of the situation. I was yelling at a baby because I was worried about being on time to Bible Class. Talk about straining the gnat and swallowing the camel! (Matthew 23:24)

I learned that day that how I treat people and take care of my family is much more important than having the whole world think that I have it all together.

There were times when we showed up for Wednesday night Bible class and one of my kids didn't have any shoes on. Or maybe only had one. Or maybe had two shoes, but they didn't match. I didn't care.

There were times (still are) when we show up for worship late. Generally speaking, my kids usually have matching shoes on now, but sometimes their fashion choices are odd. Again, who cares?

If we had to be perfect to go to worship, well, we'd never go.


Parenting Mistake #7: Thinking that if I taught things the perfect way, it only took once.
I remember Noah going through a phase (he was about 2) where he was hitting. I thought if I only knew the right thing to say, or if I only spanked him the right way, etc that he would learn immediately. If punishment were only severe enough and swiftly enough, the problem would be solved.

I read somewhere that it doesn't work that way. Seems like it takes hundreds of times for a child to hear something for it to finally sink in. Hundreds? Sigh. This would not be easy, or come naturally (please refer back to mistakes #4 and #5).

It was a good thing that I learned this before Koby came along. I love Koby with all my heart, but he is the reason that I bought and read Dobson's new revised edition of The Strong Willed Child. I knew that Koby needed me to be the parent. I had learned that it wouldn't be easy or come naturally. I had learned that I had to be intentional and that it would take time. And energy. But he was definitely worth it.

Parenting takes time. Lots of it.


Parenting Mistake #8: Judging other parents.
I'll admit that I used to struggle with judging other parents. Oh, maybe I didn't say anything out loud, but I thought it. It seemed that I always was most critical to parents who were just ahead of me.

For example, before I had any kids, I remember thinking things like, Wow, their car seats are so messy! I will never let my car get that dirty!

When my kids were babies, I thought, Wow, I can't believe that they let their children run around like that! Mine will always be sitting perfectly still!

When mine were toddlers, I thought, Wow, I can't believe that parent let's their child come to church dressed like that! Don't they even comb their hair? (And we all know how I turned out on this one!)

You get the idea.

I've since learned to not judge. And I've come to appreciate those who do not judge me.

Everybody is pretty much doing the best that they can. If they aren't, well, then the most helpful thing I can do is to just do my best and be an example.

Parenting Mistake #9: Thinking that my kids had to have the best of everything.
When my kids were younger, I wanted them (or really me) to have the best. I cared about them wearing Stride-Rite shoes or having the latest baby gadget.

One advantage of being a single parent is that people do not expect your kids to have it all. I no longer want my kids to have it all. When compared to the rest of the world, we do already have it all. I want my kids to understand how blessed we are- how rich we are.

At my home we talk frequently about how wonderful it is to have a house and a car. Not everyone has that. And we never have to worry about our next meal or if we'll have clean water. Not everyone can say that.


Parenting Mistake #10: Thinking that I needed to give my kids everything I had growing up plus all the things that I didn't have, but wish that I'd had.
Recently, we cut down the tree in our front yard. Two years ago a storm took out half of it and it never recovered. For a moment, I felt this sense of failure. My children would never have a tree house. That was something I always wanted. Now, it would never be.

This kind of falls into trying to make everything perfect. Having this ideal world that we want to present to our kids, but always falling short.

We have these expectations that we can usually never live up to. Sometimes when we are trying to live up to expectations, we miss the joy of the actual life we're living.

Parenting Mistake #11: Thinking that whatever was happening would be happening forever.
This too shall pass is one of my favorite phases. It works for both positive and negative things. Whatever stage you are in, just enjoy it as best you can because it won't last long. If it's a terrible stage and you feel like you can't take it any more, well, just hold on because it won't last forever either.

I remember when Noah was a toddler, he would not go to sleep unless I was with him. I had to lay down in his bed with him. He had learned my sneaky ways, so he got to where he would practically sleep on top of my head so he would wake up when I started to escape, uh, I mean get up. This was true for naps as well as night time.

I would lay there and think about all that I needed to get done. Laundry, dishes, etc. I felt bitterness and a hint of rage swell up in frustration.

Then it finally hit me that this would not last forever. He would grow up too soon and not want me anywhere near him. I decided to relax and just enjoy the moment. I would just stare at his sweet face. Laundry and dishes could wait.

My children are teenagers now and I'm still learning. These are just some of the mistakes that I remember. I'm sure there are more.

I'm also sure that I'll continue to make even more mistakes. Hopefully, I'll recognize them and learn from them so that tomorrow I'll do better than I did today.

Mistakes I Made as a Parent (Part 1)

So, my post "Mistakes I Made in My Marriage" got more hits in 24 hours than any other post I've written. Maybe it's because people are curious. Most likely, it's simply because we all just seek validation that we are not the only ones who do not (or did not) have a perfect marriage. We all make mistakes. I recently heard a saying that I really like:

I can learn so much from my mistakes when I'm not busy denying them.

Yep.

So, I thought, hey, I've made lots of mistakes along the way. Why not share some more?

Parenting mistake #1: Not listening to my mother.
When my oldest, Noah,  was just over a year old, he was crying and would not go to sleep. His father and I tried everything we could think of. We rocked him, we tried to let him cry it out. I'm humiliated to say that we spanked him. In desperation, we drove around for more than an hour. Surely he'd fall asleep in the car.

My mother insisted that he was sick. I was sure that he was not. He was old enough to be exerting some rebellion, but not old enough to verbalize. I was sure that he was just being stubborn. I mean, how could my mother, who had raised three children to adulthood know more than me with my now more than one full year of experience?

Finally, after we were up all night, we called the doctor and took him in. He had stopped crying, but still no sleep.

He was sick. His little throat was bright red. I think it was tonsillitis. Hang head in shame.

From that time on, I listened to my mother (for the most part). Also, I have apologized to my now 16 year old son for scarring him for life on that horrendous night. He says that he doesn't remember it, but I'm sure that one day it will come out of his subconscious when he's in therapy.

Parenting Mistake #2: Not accepting help/ Being defensive when offered help
Great grandmother to my toddler: Oh, look at those long fingernails! Come here and let me cut those for you!
What I heard: Oh, you poor child! I can't believe that your mother doesn't take care of you! For shame!! She obviously needs someone to step in on your behalf. Come here and let me clip your fingernails!

It took me a while, but eventually I realized that I could not do this parenting thing alone (I became a single parent when my oldest was 3 1/2 and my youngest was a baby). I set my pride aside and accepted help wherever it was offered.

Babysit? You bet! Clip their fingernails? Yes, please! Hand-me down clothes? Yay!

Parenting Mistake #3: Trying to get my child to do things too early/soon
I'll just say it like it is, I tried to potty train my first son WAY too soon. You know, you have other mom friends with kids the same age and we are always talking about what milestones our child is reaching. Also, reading the book What to expect each and every minute of your child's first three years of life- I knew what I should be doing!

So, I don't even remember how old he was, but I went all out- bought the potty seat, read the potty book, bought the pull ups and the big boy underwear. And I was a stressed-out mess for weeks. Accident after accident after accident. But, how could I let my child fall behind? Didn't I owe it to him to keep trying?

No, no, I did not. So I gave up. We went to just pull-ups and no pressure. For what seemed like eternity. Until he was ready. And that's all it took, was for him to be ready. No stress, no worries.

I remember someone telling me that most likely, he would not graduate from high school still in diapers, drinking from a bottle, and sucking on his pacifier. So, why worry? You know what? He's 16, and yep, no diapers, no bottle and no paci!

With my second son, Koby, I just waited. And waited. And when he was ready for whatever next step there was to take- well, we took it. No stress, no worries.

Parenting Mistake #4: Thinking it would be easy.
I had wanted to be a parent as far back as I could remember. I loved children. I babysat all the time. I was going to be the perfect mother. When I was pregnant, I read every book I could get my hands on. I was ready. I thought.

I was thirty years old when I had my first baby. I was married with a great support system. I remember thinking, Here I am and I can barely cope! How in the world does a 16 year old girl do this on her own?

I don't remember anyone telling me how hard it was going to be.

I don't remember anyone telling me that there would be times that I wanted to throw my child out the window. (Please don't call CPS. I would never actually do that, but there have been plenty of times when I felt like it.)

This one sort of leads to my next mistake....


Parenting Mistake #5: Thinking it all came naturally.
If I'm a good mother, won't I just know what to do? I used to look at others and think, wow, they know what to do, why don't I?

I remember watching one of my friends with her children. She just hugged and kissed on them all the time. She told them how much she loved them. Her love just oozed out of her. I remember wondering why I wasn't like that. Then it hit me. I could be. I just needed to be intentional about it. Some things don't come naturally. They come when we are intentional.

So, I set about to show more love to my children. And you know what? It was wonderful!

I remember another friend of mine who always was prepared wherever we went. She had snacks when snacks were needed. She had wipes when they were needed. I watched and learned from her as well. Maybe she had watched and learned from another mom.

This is a Biblical concept. Titus 2:4 These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children...

Things didn't usually just come naturally. I had to learn them.