This Girl is Out of Control!

I used to call myself a control freak. But, honestly, I am rarely, if ever, actually in control. I'm more of an I'm-desperately-trying-to-be-in-control-aholic. I really just have the illusion that I'm in control.

There are two examples in my life that parrallel my need for control. One is snow skiing and one is riding roller coasters.

Now, it's been a long time since I've been skiing, but let me share my experience with you. I remember in high school being on a church ski trip. I went down the mountain in a snow plow position. My legs were tensed. I'm sure my teeth were clinched. I felt the need to be able to stop at any given moment. On a dime. See? I needed to be in control. How fun and exciting it was to travel down the beautiful mountain while tied in knots. Not.

I remember coming to a section of moguls with our church group. For you non-skiiers, moguls are a series of short bumps. I very carefully snow-plowed slowly through some of them, I'm sure screaming with terror the entire time.

Then one of our adult sponsors, Charles Landreth, came over to me and said, "Carol, just let go. Just let loose and glide over them." Uh, really?

Well, being young and impressionable, I gave it a try. When I got to the next set of moguls, I straightened up my skis and away I went. It was the most scary, exhilarating thing I had ever done! I wasn't sure that my heart could take it. And I didn't die. It was fun!

You know the thing about going at a pace where you can stop at any moment means that while you may think you are safe, what you are actually doing is robbing yourself of the experience of really flying!

Now, I didn't exactly get this life lesson on that trip, but it was a start. I went skiing again years later on another church trip, this time as an adult chaperone. Our youth minister, Mike Miller, gave a devo talk one night where he said, "It's ok to fall. That's how we learn. In skiing, in life."

So, the next day, one of the teenagers (Rachel McBride) and I traveled down the mountain chanting, "It's ok to fall, it's ok to fall!" I mean, what's the worst that could happen? I could crash into a tree and die. Or be paralyzed. Or fall off of a cliff. But I digress...

My attitude had changed from fear and the need to be in control to that of "Watch out mountain, here I come and if I fall, well, that's ok!" I let loose. And fall I did. But, the joy of skiing was restored!

Of course, in every other aspect of my life I still grasped tightly to the need to be in control. This would last for years. And years. I would make the right choices to make my life the way I wanted it to be. I would do or say the right thing to make the people I love do or say the right thing (can you say manipulation?). Of course, that never works. Nor should it.

So, during my years of denial-overcoming and discovery, I remembered how earlier in life I came to actually enjoy roller coasters. I compared it to how I was living and decided that I needed to apply my attitude toward roller coasters to the rest of my life. I'll explain.

I used to ride roller coasters with my arms wound as tightly as possible around the bars. (Are you seeing my pattern?) My knuckles would turn white clenching to the metal bar as my feet and legs pressed up to the cart for stability.

Now, I started to think about it. Ok, really, there are two things that could go wrong. One- my seat belt and/or safety bar could break and I could get flung out of the roller coaster on my own. Two- the entire car of passengers could jump the track and go sailing. Now, honestly, if my seat belt broke, do I really think that grabbing on to the bar will keep me in the car? And, of course, if the whole car falls off the track, well, there's nothing that I can do that would save us anyway.

So, all that energy I spent holding on was actually just giving me the illusion of control. I didn't really have any control. In a desperate situation, it really wouldn't help me. Not one bit.

I had a choice to make. Continue to cling to the illusion of control and be miserable, or let go and enjoy the ride!

I chose the latter. I can still remember riding the Shockwave at Six Flags and coming up out of my seat! And you know what? Amazingly enough, I didn't fly out! And the car stayed on the track!! And I screamed. With delight!

So, I decided to put that into practice in my life. Yeah, ok it took a while. And I still have my moments.

I figured out that although I was doing fairly well at obeying God, I was not doing so well at trusting Him with my life. I was so busy trying to do what I thought that I should to that I was not leaving Him room to work. It is a terrifying idea to let someone else be in control. Terrifying.

But, I had come to the point that me being in control was not working. When I thought about it, I mean, who else would I want to be in control of my life but the Creator of the universe? Of course, what the Creator of the universe has planned for me may not be what I want. Was I willing to accept that?

Eventually the answer became yes. I was. Whatever may come, I want what God chooses for me- not what I choose for me. It's still scary sometimes, but also exciting, and peaceful. I'm not in control. I've given that over to Him.

I've heard letting God control your life described as going down a giant mountain on a bicycle. Bumps and holes, curves and swerves- never knowing what will come next. But, I'm in the basket and God has the wheel. He's in control. I can be fearful and tighten my clutches or I can let go, relax and enjoy the ride.