I'm divorced. At times I feel like I walk around with a big scarlet D emblazoned on my chest. That's baggage that I am working on turning over (but that's another blog). I didn't want my marriage to end. But it did. I can tell you more if you would like. Just ask.
I have come to acknowledge the many mistakes that I made during my marriage. Of course I know it wasn't totally all my fault. I am only trying to reflect and accept responsibility for my part.
First and foremost, I had this incredible need to be right. Pretty much at any cost. And cost it did. Probably most of my mistakes can be traced back to this.
If we were driving somewhere (see what I did there- I mean, I wasn't even the one driving- he was), I always knew the fastest and most effective route. And I was vocal and insistent about it.
If we were in disagreement about something, I kept my ground. I held on to it and went to great lengths to prove that I was right. If I'd have had my iphone back then, I could have kept Siri busy looking up things to prove that I was indeed correct in the matter. Of course, I wasn't always right, but I'd die trying to prove that I was.
If my husband made some kind of mistake- any kind of mistake, I felt duty bound to confront him about it. I wasn't always harsh, but it didn't matter. I rarely let things go. I see that now.
If there was a decision to be made, I obviously knew the best choice. Obviously. How arrogant could I be? Again, great lengths to show my supposed superiority.
I chose being right over "us." Being right was more important than "us." Proving that I was right was more important than maintaining unity. Oh, how foolish I was!
I not only was too concerned with being right, but I kept a record of it. I kept score. Not in a hateful, spiteful way, but it didn't matter. I kept score. I remembered wrongs. I reminded him too often of my "rightness."
What I didn't realize is that choosing "us" is more important than which house to buy, which route to take, or how to load the dishwasher. (I got that idea from the movie, "The Family Man." Great movie! Unfortunately, I discovered this after the marriage ended.)
What I didn't realize is that if we were to be a team, that meant that we were on the same side! It meant that I stood up for him, cheered for him, backed him up, and unless it was in direct conflict with God, I would do this no matter what! I should chose "us" at any cost!
What I didn't get is that it's ok to let things slide sometimes. It's ok to cut him some slack. No one can be great all the time. No one.
What I didn't get is that I don't have to, in fact I shouldn't point out all his flaws and mistakes. Good grief, he's an adult. He didn't need me to point out everything I thought was wrong in his life.
What I didn't get is that "love covers over a multitude of sins." (I Peter 4:8)
What I didn't get is that I wasn't God. I was so busy trying to improve my husband, that I was getting in God's way.
What I didn't get is that it is more important to be kind than right.
What I didn't get is that it is more important to support my husband than to be right.
What I didn't get is that it is more important to be loving than to prove that my way to cook the mac-n-cheese is the correct way. (That was actually one of our first married fights. Now, how ridiculous is that??)
Yeah, I understand more now than I did then. Hopefully now that I know better, I do better. I have apologized to my ex-husband for being so critical and controlling (making amends you know). He responded with something like, "Oh, Carol, you weren't that bad." Yeah, I think I was.
I'm not trying to be down on myself, just honest. Honest so that I can grow and change. Honest so that I can do better.
I'm trying to not make those same mistakes with my children. I'm trying to not make those same mistakes with anyone and everyone that I come in contact with.
I used to want to be known as being right- about everything.
Now I want to be known as being kind and loving.
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