One of the slogans I learned while working the steps is, "Do the next right thing in front of you." It's really helped me, especially lately. Sometimes when I wonder what the "right" thing to do is, I remember my friend Mitzi who says to ask yourself, "Is it pleasing to God?"
So, when I do the next right thing in front of me,
sometimes it means to put the phone down.
Sometimes it means to pick the phone up.
Sometimes it means to speak up.
Sometimes it means to keep my mouth shut.
Sometimes it means get out of bed and leave the house.
Sometimes it means to stay home.
Sometimes it means to spend/give away money.
Sometimes it means to not spend/give away money.
Sometimes it means to do something.
Sometimes it means to not do something.
Sometimes it means doing something I want to do.
Most of the time, it doesn't.
Sometimes it means doing something easy.
Most of the time, it doesn't.
Sometimes I do it/don't do it.
Sometimes I don't/do.
I don't always get it right, but I can say this:
I've never regretting doing the next right thing.
I'm thankful for His mercies that are new every single morning (and really afternoons and evenings, too).
Lately I've been telling myself, if I don't want to be doing X when Jesus returns or when I die, then perhaps I shouldn't be doing X- period.
Every day is a gift. How will I use it?
Every moment is a gift. What is the next right thing in front of me?
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Lunch on His Own
I've told this story before, but there's a reason I'm telling it again. Hold with me.
Years ago, I was a newly single mom of a baby and a 4 year old trying to find odd jobs to make ends meet. I took a job for a local church babysitting for their VBS teachers. The VBS was for children kinder and older, so both of mine were with the babysitters. Koby was in the baby class with me and Noah was across the hall with the other 4 year olds.
At lunch time, I went across to peek in on Noah. All of the kids had gotten their lunches and were settling in to eat. Most of these kids knew each other. This was not our church, so Noah did not know anyone. Groups of 4 year olds bunched up around the room and sat down to eat together. Noah was standing in the middle of the room, holding his lunch. He looked around, then sat down on the floor in the center of the room and began to eat- alone.
My heart ached. I wanted to rush in, grab him (and the baby), race home and never return. I wanted to rescue him- but I didn't. Noah never even complained. I think we even went back for 2-3 more days.
Fast forward nearly 16 years. Yesterday I sat with my almost 20 year old Noah at MEPS- Military Enlistment Processing Services- as he waited to leave to go to bootcamp. He was joining the Marine Reserves. When we said our final goodbyes, he had his sack lunch in his hand- and he was going into a room full of strangers to eat.
My heart ached this time, too, but for different reasons. My tears were because I wouldn't get to talk to or see him for 3 months- that's all. He is strong. I knew this time he didn't need any rescuing- in fact, he was on his way to the adventure of a lifetime.
Years ago, I was a newly single mom of a baby and a 4 year old trying to find odd jobs to make ends meet. I took a job for a local church babysitting for their VBS teachers. The VBS was for children kinder and older, so both of mine were with the babysitters. Koby was in the baby class with me and Noah was across the hall with the other 4 year olds.
At lunch time, I went across to peek in on Noah. All of the kids had gotten their lunches and were settling in to eat. Most of these kids knew each other. This was not our church, so Noah did not know anyone. Groups of 4 year olds bunched up around the room and sat down to eat together. Noah was standing in the middle of the room, holding his lunch. He looked around, then sat down on the floor in the center of the room and began to eat- alone.
My heart ached. I wanted to rush in, grab him (and the baby), race home and never return. I wanted to rescue him- but I didn't. Noah never even complained. I think we even went back for 2-3 more days.
Fast forward nearly 16 years. Yesterday I sat with my almost 20 year old Noah at MEPS- Military Enlistment Processing Services- as he waited to leave to go to bootcamp. He was joining the Marine Reserves. When we said our final goodbyes, he had his sack lunch in his hand- and he was going into a room full of strangers to eat.
My heart ached this time, too, but for different reasons. My tears were because I wouldn't get to talk to or see him for 3 months- that's all. He is strong. I knew this time he didn't need any rescuing- in fact, he was on his way to the adventure of a lifetime.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Supreme Court Decision
I feel your pain, I really do. You feel like the country is falling apart. You feel like our morality is crumbling. I'm not so sure that it is any less different today than yesterday, except for the fact that we Christians are perhaps losing our positive affect on the world.
Please hear me out. I think that anytime our government legally allows something that Christians believe is wrong, we are afraid. We feel like this is the collapse of our nation. In the grand scheme of things, I'm not sure that the state of our nation even matters.
What did Jesus say? What did he teach? Did he rally the disciples to storm the steps of the government and demand that temple prostitution be made illegal? No, he commended the love shown by the prostitute and told her that he forgave her.
If I remember correctly, Jesus's actions often puzzled or even outraged the religious folks of the time.
God's laws cannot be legislated. If so, do we make it illegal to divorce except in the case of adultery? Do we make it illegal to have sex outside of marriage? Do we make it illegal to get drunk? We know how well that law in our country's history worked. No, God's laws must be written on our hearts and chosen to follow.
I'm pretty sure that the ruling today is not going to determine whether or not someone is going to partake of homosexuality. That decision is made in the hearts of humans, not in the courtroom. Today's decision does not mean that you have to agree with that lifestyle, either. It simply means that in this country, people can chose anyone to marry.
I don't have to agree with a lifestyle to agree that individuals who chose it deserve to have the same civil rights that I do. Should women who get pregnant outside of wedlock not be allowed the same medical care as married women, because, well you know, we would be condoning their behavior?
So, here is what I have to say. My goal is to win others to Christ. I cannot do that while hating or bashing. I cannot do that while making fun of people. When I partake in these things, I lose my influence.
If today's decision is going to motivate Christians to action, shouldn't it be to get us up and sharing our love and faith more? Shouldn't we be more motivated to win souls to Jesus by sharing the good news of salvation?
After all, Jesus saves and changes lives, not the government.
Please hear me out. I think that anytime our government legally allows something that Christians believe is wrong, we are afraid. We feel like this is the collapse of our nation. In the grand scheme of things, I'm not sure that the state of our nation even matters.
What did Jesus say? What did he teach? Did he rally the disciples to storm the steps of the government and demand that temple prostitution be made illegal? No, he commended the love shown by the prostitute and told her that he forgave her.
If I remember correctly, Jesus's actions often puzzled or even outraged the religious folks of the time.
God's laws cannot be legislated. If so, do we make it illegal to divorce except in the case of adultery? Do we make it illegal to have sex outside of marriage? Do we make it illegal to get drunk? We know how well that law in our country's history worked. No, God's laws must be written on our hearts and chosen to follow.
I'm pretty sure that the ruling today is not going to determine whether or not someone is going to partake of homosexuality. That decision is made in the hearts of humans, not in the courtroom. Today's decision does not mean that you have to agree with that lifestyle, either. It simply means that in this country, people can chose anyone to marry.
I don't have to agree with a lifestyle to agree that individuals who chose it deserve to have the same civil rights that I do. Should women who get pregnant outside of wedlock not be allowed the same medical care as married women, because, well you know, we would be condoning their behavior?
So, here is what I have to say. My goal is to win others to Christ. I cannot do that while hating or bashing. I cannot do that while making fun of people. When I partake in these things, I lose my influence.
If today's decision is going to motivate Christians to action, shouldn't it be to get us up and sharing our love and faith more? Shouldn't we be more motivated to win souls to Jesus by sharing the good news of salvation?
After all, Jesus saves and changes lives, not the government.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Do Your Part or Stop Complaining (or both!)
Years ago I remember spending time complaining about how my ex-husband (oh, how I hate that word- but that's another story) was not paying child support. I was complaining to my James Group the Other Half (read Al-Anon) sponsor. Her response was basically that I needed to do something about it or stop complaining. Had I done my part? Had I filed child support papers with the attorney general? No. Then stop complaining. It was hard to hear, but a lesson I needed to learn. I wasn't emotionally ready to go to court, so I decided that my only appropriate course of action was to stop complaining. If I wasn't ready to do my part, how could I complain that he wasn't doing his part. (FYI a few years later I was ready and filed. :))
This lesson has helped me several times in my life. First, it's helped me as a parent. When my youngest was maybe two, I was at my wit's end. I mean, he was doing things he shouldn't be doing and saying things that he shouldn't be saying. Frustratingly enough, me simply saying "NO!" from across the room was not working. Imagine that. He was not meeting my expectations at all. It was at this time that I purchased and read the updated "Strong-Willed Child" by James Dobson. I realized of course that I was not doing my part. It was my job to teach him. If I loved this child and wanted to do right by him, then I needed to get up and walk across the room, kneel down to his level and say "NO!" in his face. It showed him I was serious and that I cared enough to make the effort. Of course, I would have to do this about a thousand times a day for years.
From time to time as a parent I still have to have a get serious moment with myself when I find myself being frustrated and overwhelmed by my children's behaviors. What had I done to help the situation? What was my part? Had I done my part? More often than not, I hadn't. I had to remember that I'm the adult and needed to just suck it up and do what needed to be done- be that grounding, turning off the wifi, setting up teacher conferences, etc. It is my job, after all, to teach them.
Just today I realized that I have also had to learn this lesson as a teacher. It is all to easy to gripe and complain about my students. Yesterday I was especially frustrated at the increased amount of talking and the decreased amount of working that was taking place. I was losing it. In speaking (read complaining) with a wise co-worker, I was reminded, "Have you done this? Have you done that?" In my head, I'm thinking, "Ugh! That is too much work! They need to just be quiet and work!"
I realized, once again, that it is my job to teach them. This morning in a staff meeting, we heard the phrase, "Teacher behavior drives student behavior." Sigh. Yes, it's up to me. So, I took a deep breath and simply took the time to do some re-teaching. Not yelling, not demoralizing, but re-teaching. Did it take time? Yes. Did I want to do it? No. Was it my decision to do it? Yes. Was it work? Yes. Are my students (and my sanity) worth it? You bet!
Talk is cheap. Anyone can complain about a situation. What needs to happen is someone needs to do something about it.
This lesson has helped me several times in my life. First, it's helped me as a parent. When my youngest was maybe two, I was at my wit's end. I mean, he was doing things he shouldn't be doing and saying things that he shouldn't be saying. Frustratingly enough, me simply saying "NO!" from across the room was not working. Imagine that. He was not meeting my expectations at all. It was at this time that I purchased and read the updated "Strong-Willed Child" by James Dobson. I realized of course that I was not doing my part. It was my job to teach him. If I loved this child and wanted to do right by him, then I needed to get up and walk across the room, kneel down to his level and say "NO!" in his face. It showed him I was serious and that I cared enough to make the effort. Of course, I would have to do this about a thousand times a day for years.
From time to time as a parent I still have to have a get serious moment with myself when I find myself being frustrated and overwhelmed by my children's behaviors. What had I done to help the situation? What was my part? Had I done my part? More often than not, I hadn't. I had to remember that I'm the adult and needed to just suck it up and do what needed to be done- be that grounding, turning off the wifi, setting up teacher conferences, etc. It is my job, after all, to teach them.
Just today I realized that I have also had to learn this lesson as a teacher. It is all to easy to gripe and complain about my students. Yesterday I was especially frustrated at the increased amount of talking and the decreased amount of working that was taking place. I was losing it. In speaking (read complaining) with a wise co-worker, I was reminded, "Have you done this? Have you done that?" In my head, I'm thinking, "Ugh! That is too much work! They need to just be quiet and work!"
I realized, once again, that it is my job to teach them. This morning in a staff meeting, we heard the phrase, "Teacher behavior drives student behavior." Sigh. Yes, it's up to me. So, I took a deep breath and simply took the time to do some re-teaching. Not yelling, not demoralizing, but re-teaching. Did it take time? Yes. Did I want to do it? No. Was it my decision to do it? Yes. Was it work? Yes. Are my students (and my sanity) worth it? You bet!
Talk is cheap. Anyone can complain about a situation. What needs to happen is someone needs to do something about it.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Back to School *insert clever saying here*
Social media is full of fun posts about back to school. Videos of dancing orangutans to describe the joy parents are feeling, and of Michael Scott screaming, "NO!" to describe how teachers are feeling. I have teacher friends who have been posting about working in their rooms, getting everything ready. Me? I haven't even stepped foot in my school since June 6th. I won't lie. I love summer, er, summer break! Sleeping late, lazy days, summer camp, youth group mission trip, fun outings, family fun, sleeping late, lazy days, you get the idea. I love summer break!
Don't get me wrong- I also love my job. I'm incredibly blessed to have it. I work in a fantastic place with even more fantastic people! And, I work with many believers- how great is that? But, I'm lazy, so sleeping late and lazy days are precious to me. Smile.
So, when back to school time rolls back around, I moan and groan. I will get my classroom in order in time. I will be grateful and happy to come to work, but a part of me is screaming, "No!"
I've always tried to love people and show Jesus in my job, even though I have struggled greatly with it. I have considered that I'm an employee of God, not CFB. But, I've kind of had the mindset of, "Well, as long as I have to be here to support my family, I should act like God wants me to."
But, lately, I'm seeing going back to school differently. God has been working extra hard on my heart this past week or so. "I have a job for you- a mission field. And it's at Vivian Field Middle School in Farmers Branch."
Will I accept his assignment?
Will I be eager to meet my new students?
Will I spend time to get to know them?
Will I be able to show love to them even when they aren't lovable?
Will I be patient with them when they act like average 7th graders?
Will I be eager to get to know my new co-workers (and the returning ones)?
Will I spend time to get to know them?
Will I be able to show love to them even when they aren't lovable?
Will I be patient with them when they act like average adults?
Will I show Jesus and share Jesus with students and staff every opportunity I can?
Gulp.
That means telling myself no. A lot.
That means being positive. A lot.
That means taking a deep breath. A lot.
God has set a task before me. Has he set one before you?
How can I scream, "No!" to such a call?
As a baptized believer, I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me! INSIDE OF ME, PEOPLE! THE HOLY SPIRIT! How dare I not let him have control!
Join me as God sends his people into the school system. Join me as we answer God's call to go into all the world. And pray for me. Pray for all teachers. Pray that we treat his children the way he wants us to.
Back to school? You bet!
"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matthew 28: 18-20
Don't get me wrong- I also love my job. I'm incredibly blessed to have it. I work in a fantastic place with even more fantastic people! And, I work with many believers- how great is that? But, I'm lazy, so sleeping late and lazy days are precious to me. Smile.
So, when back to school time rolls back around, I moan and groan. I will get my classroom in order in time. I will be grateful and happy to come to work, but a part of me is screaming, "No!"
I've always tried to love people and show Jesus in my job, even though I have struggled greatly with it. I have considered that I'm an employee of God, not CFB. But, I've kind of had the mindset of, "Well, as long as I have to be here to support my family, I should act like God wants me to."
But, lately, I'm seeing going back to school differently. God has been working extra hard on my heart this past week or so. "I have a job for you- a mission field. And it's at Vivian Field Middle School in Farmers Branch."
Will I accept his assignment?
Will I be eager to meet my new students?
Will I spend time to get to know them?
Will I be able to show love to them even when they aren't lovable?
Will I be patient with them when they act like average 7th graders?
Will I be eager to get to know my new co-workers (and the returning ones)?
Will I spend time to get to know them?
Will I be able to show love to them even when they aren't lovable?
Will I be patient with them when they act like average adults?
Will I show Jesus and share Jesus with students and staff every opportunity I can?
Gulp.
That means telling myself no. A lot.
That means being positive. A lot.
That means taking a deep breath. A lot.
God has set a task before me. Has he set one before you?
How can I scream, "No!" to such a call?
As a baptized believer, I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me! INSIDE OF ME, PEOPLE! THE HOLY SPIRIT! How dare I not let him have control!
Join me as God sends his people into the school system. Join me as we answer God's call to go into all the world. And pray for me. Pray for all teachers. Pray that we treat his children the way he wants us to.
Back to school? You bet!
"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matthew 28: 18-20
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Matthew 5:43-48 for Teachers
You have heard that it was said, ‘Love the good kids and hate the others.’ But I tell you, love the kids that cause problems and pray for those who make you want to tear your hair out, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes His sun to rise on the kids from loving homes and kids from neglectful homes, and sends rain on the gifted students and the struggling students.
If you love those students who do all their work and don't get on your nerves, what reward will you get? Don't all teachers do that? And if you smile and speak nicely only to your students who smile and speak nicely to you, what are you doing more than others? Doesn't everyone do that?
I tell you, I want you to be different. Love the kid that never does his work. Smile and be kind to the kid who never has her supplies. Encourage the child who is constantly getting office referrals. Show respect to the student that does not show respect to you. Show mercy to the student who makes you want to scream, or quit, or both. Show grace to the child who just never seems to know what is going on. Speak calmly to the child who asks you what they are supposed to do when you just gave the directions for the tenth time.
Love them. All of them. Each of them. For this is the way our Father in heaven loves us- when we don't deserve it.
And, oh how glad I am He does!
cgh
If you love those students who do all their work and don't get on your nerves, what reward will you get? Don't all teachers do that? And if you smile and speak nicely only to your students who smile and speak nicely to you, what are you doing more than others? Doesn't everyone do that?
I tell you, I want you to be different. Love the kid that never does his work. Smile and be kind to the kid who never has her supplies. Encourage the child who is constantly getting office referrals. Show respect to the student that does not show respect to you. Show mercy to the student who makes you want to scream, or quit, or both. Show grace to the child who just never seems to know what is going on. Speak calmly to the child who asks you what they are supposed to do when you just gave the directions for the tenth time.
Love them. All of them. Each of them. For this is the way our Father in heaven loves us- when we don't deserve it.
And, oh how glad I am He does!
cgh
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
What Am I Supposed To Do Again?
Frequently heard in my classroom:
Me: Ok, class, that is the end of my thorough explanation. You have now been given the instructions in clear, concise steps. You may begin.
Student: Miss, what are we suppose to do?
Me: Did you listen to the instructions?
Student: Yes.
Me: What did I say?
Student: I don't know.
*************************************
Me: Class, remember that the assignment is due tomorrow.
Student: Miss, when is this due?
*************************************
Me: Ok, any questions? *Appropriate wait time. * No, great, then everyone understands! Let's get to work.
Student: Miss, what do I do again?
*************************************
Me: What did I already tell you?
Me: What do you think you should do?
Me: Have you read the instructions?
Me: Have you asked a classmate if they know?
Me: I explained this already while you were sleeping, daydreaming, drawing, etc.
Me: Why weren't you listening?
Me: What did you do the last time we did this?
Me: I've already explained this three times.
Me: I've already explained this four times.
Me: I've already explained this a million times.
Me: What is the matter with you?
Ok, I work really hard to not say that last one. But, here we are, two more days with students until summer break, and this is how I'm feeling...
Me: Ok, class, that is the end of my thorough explanation. You have now been given the instructions in clear, concise steps. You may begin.
Student: Miss, what are we suppose to do?
Me: Did you listen to the instructions?
Student: Yes.
Me: What did I say?
Student: I don't know.
*************************************
Me: Class, remember that the assignment is due tomorrow.
Student: Miss, when is this due?
*************************************
Me: Ok, any questions? *Appropriate wait time. * No, great, then everyone understands! Let's get to work.
Student: Miss, what do I do again?
*************************************
Me: What did I already tell you?
Me: What do you think you should do?
Me: Have you read the instructions?
Me: Have you asked a classmate if they know?
Me: I explained this already while you were sleeping, daydreaming, drawing, etc.
Me: Why weren't you listening?
Me: What did you do the last time we did this?
Me: I've already explained this three times.
Me: I've already explained this four times.
Me: I've already explained this a million times.
Me: What is the matter with you?
Ok, I work really hard to not say that last one. But, here we are, two more days with students until summer break, and this is how I'm feeling...
Yes, that's me on the right.
I admit that by the end of the year, I'm exasperated by my students. It takes everything I have. Deep breath. Count to three. Remember that God loves this child and it's your job to show Jesus to them.
Ah, but so many times I lose my patience. So many times the frustration comes through in my words and tone.
Yesterday, I was listening to a new Christian radio station in Dallas- Air One- 101.7- (which is great, by the way). A comment was made that caused me to realize that what my students do to me (seemingly three million times a day) is what I do to God.
Me: God, what am I suppose to do?
Me: God, I don't know what to do!
Me: God, could you help me, please?
Has God given me directions? Was I listening? Paying attention? Have I read His instructions? What have I been preparing for? Am I ready to work? Do I trust his lead?
Ah, God is so patient with me. And He has no summer break.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
And the Award Goes to...
So, this is the time of year when facebook is plastered with pictures of children graduating, going to award ceremonies, accepting their Nobel peace prizes, etc. Ok, maybe the last one doesn't happen very often.
First of all, please don't get me wrong. If your children have graduated or won awards, I think that is GREAT! I'd probably be posting about it, too!
However, I've recently been to two end of the year events for my children where awards were handed out, and my children did not get one. That's ok. I don't believe there has to be an award for everyone. I know that our society has too much of an "everyone gets a trophy" mentality. I get it. And I agree.
I mean, truly, if they were to give out awards to everyone, I think that my son would have won the "Your Mother is So Glad that this Year is Over and Thankfully It Looks Like You're Going to Pass Everything" award. I love my son dearly, but some days I'm just glad to survive.
However, watching other children get awards while mine did not got me to thinking. You see, when I was growing up, I tended to get awards. The teachers liked me and I got good grades. What I remembered is wanting my parents to "fuss over" me. I wanted to be a big deal to them. But, nothing I did or achieved ever seemed to be a big deal. It used to really frustrate me.
Again, please don't get me wrong. I had great parents. I know that they loved me. I can see now that I wanted those awards to make them love me MORE. I can see now that my parents already loved me completely. The awards didn't matter to them. I may not have understood then, but I do now.
So, I think about my kids. Does it bother my son that he wasn't named Outstanding 7th Grade Band Member of the year? I don't know. I hope not.
So many times we depend on what the world thinks of us to determine what we think of us. My brothers and sisters, this should not be (I feel just like Paul).
Every child should have someone who loves them unconditionally no matter what. Every child should have someone who is in their corner. I know it isn't always the case, but ideally parenting should reflect God's love.
Of course, no matter what our parents are/were like, we all have someone in our corner. God. He loves us completely and fully- unconditionally. Nothing can separate us from that love (Romans 8:35-39).
Awards and achievements are great, but I shouldn't need them to feel valued.
I told my son that to me, he was the Most Outstanding 7th grader in the world.
And he seemed to be ok with that.
First of all, please don't get me wrong. If your children have graduated or won awards, I think that is GREAT! I'd probably be posting about it, too!
However, I've recently been to two end of the year events for my children where awards were handed out, and my children did not get one. That's ok. I don't believe there has to be an award for everyone. I know that our society has too much of an "everyone gets a trophy" mentality. I get it. And I agree.
I mean, truly, if they were to give out awards to everyone, I think that my son would have won the "Your Mother is So Glad that this Year is Over and Thankfully It Looks Like You're Going to Pass Everything" award. I love my son dearly, but some days I'm just glad to survive.
However, watching other children get awards while mine did not got me to thinking. You see, when I was growing up, I tended to get awards. The teachers liked me and I got good grades. What I remembered is wanting my parents to "fuss over" me. I wanted to be a big deal to them. But, nothing I did or achieved ever seemed to be a big deal. It used to really frustrate me.
Again, please don't get me wrong. I had great parents. I know that they loved me. I can see now that I wanted those awards to make them love me MORE. I can see now that my parents already loved me completely. The awards didn't matter to them. I may not have understood then, but I do now.
So, I think about my kids. Does it bother my son that he wasn't named Outstanding 7th Grade Band Member of the year? I don't know. I hope not.
So many times we depend on what the world thinks of us to determine what we think of us. My brothers and sisters, this should not be (I feel just like Paul).
Every child should have someone who loves them unconditionally no matter what. Every child should have someone who is in their corner. I know it isn't always the case, but ideally parenting should reflect God's love.
Of course, no matter what our parents are/were like, we all have someone in our corner. God. He loves us completely and fully- unconditionally. Nothing can separate us from that love (Romans 8:35-39).
Awards and achievements are great, but I shouldn't need them to feel valued.
I told my son that to me, he was the Most Outstanding 7th grader in the world.
And he seemed to be ok with that.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Mistakes I Made as a Parent (Part 2)
I can learn so much from my mistakes when I'm not busy denying them.
Yep. Here are a few more mistakes I've made....
Parenting Mistake #6: Trying to keep up appearances.
When my oldest was just an infant, I was so excited about being a stay at home mom with him. One of the perks was getting to go to Ladies Bible Class. It was wonderful. Getting there, however, wasn't always wonderful.
I remember one morning while getting ready to go, I had fed Noah, burped him, changed him, and he was in his carrier all ready. He had everything he needed. Now it was my turn to get ready.
As I sat doing my makeup/hair, he started getting fussy. I started out with There, there, sweetie, it's ok. Eventually it came to Mommy's trying to get ready, honey. Can't you just sit there quietly while mommy gets ready? To What's the matter with you? Can't you see I'm trying to get ready so that we can go study God's word? You're driving me crazy!
I was practically yelling at a three month old! For shame! I was suddenly struck with the absurdity of the situation. I was yelling at a baby because I was worried about being on time to Bible Class. Talk about straining the gnat and swallowing the camel! (Matthew 23:24)
I learned that day that how I treat people and take care of my family is much more important than having the whole world think that I have it all together.
There were times when we showed up for Wednesday night Bible class and one of my kids didn't have any shoes on. Or maybe only had one. Or maybe had two shoes, but they didn't match. I didn't care.
There were times (still are) when we show up for worship late. Generally speaking, my kids usually have matching shoes on now, but sometimes their fashion choices are odd. Again, who cares?
If we had to be perfect to go to worship, well, we'd never go.
Parenting Mistake #7: Thinking that if I taught things the perfect way, it only took once.
I remember Noah going through a phase (he was about 2) where he was hitting. I thought if I only knew the right thing to say, or if I only spanked him the right way, etc that he would learn immediately. If punishment were only severe enough and swiftly enough, the problem would be solved.
I read somewhere that it doesn't work that way. Seems like it takes hundreds of times for a child to hear something for it to finally sink in. Hundreds? Sigh. This would not be easy, or come naturally (please refer back to mistakes #4 and #5).
It was a good thing that I learned this before Koby came along. I love Koby with all my heart, but he is the reason that I bought and read Dobson's new revised edition of The Strong Willed Child. I knew that Koby needed me to be the parent. I had learned that it wouldn't be easy or come naturally. I had learned that I had to be intentional and that it would take time. And energy. But he was definitely worth it.
Parenting takes time. Lots of it.
Parenting Mistake #8: Judging other parents.
I'll admit that I used to struggle with judging other parents. Oh, maybe I didn't say anything out loud, but I thought it. It seemed that I always was most critical to parents who were just ahead of me.
For example, before I had any kids, I remember thinking things like, Wow, their car seats are so messy! I will never let my car get that dirty!
When my kids were babies, I thought, Wow, I can't believe that they let their children run around like that! Mine will always be sitting perfectly still!
When mine were toddlers, I thought, Wow, I can't believe that parent let's their child come to church dressed like that! Don't they even comb their hair? (And we all know how I turned out on this one!)
You get the idea.
I've since learned to not judge. And I've come to appreciate those who do not judge me.
Everybody is pretty much doing the best that they can. If they aren't, well, then the most helpful thing I can do is to just do my best and be an example.
Parenting Mistake #9: Thinking that my kids had to have the best of everything.
When my kids were younger, I wanted them (or really me) to have the best. I cared about them wearing Stride-Rite shoes or having the latest baby gadget.
One advantage of being a single parent is that people do not expect your kids to have it all. I no longer want my kids to have it all. When compared to the rest of the world, we do already have it all. I want my kids to understand how blessed we are- how rich we are.
At my home we talk frequently about how wonderful it is to have a house and a car. Not everyone has that. And we never have to worry about our next meal or if we'll have clean water. Not everyone can say that.
Parenting Mistake #10: Thinking that I needed to give my kids everything I had growing up plus all the things that I didn't have, but wish that I'd had.
Recently, we cut down the tree in our front yard. Two years ago a storm took out half of it and it never recovered. For a moment, I felt this sense of failure. My children would never have a tree house. That was something I always wanted. Now, it would never be.
This kind of falls into trying to make everything perfect. Having this ideal world that we want to present to our kids, but always falling short.
We have these expectations that we can usually never live up to. Sometimes when we are trying to live up to expectations, we miss the joy of the actual life we're living.
Parenting Mistake #11: Thinking that whatever was happening would be happening forever.
This too shall pass is one of my favorite phases. It works for both positive and negative things. Whatever stage you are in, just enjoy it as best you can because it won't last long. If it's a terrible stage and you feel like you can't take it any more, well, just hold on because it won't last forever either.
I remember when Noah was a toddler, he would not go to sleep unless I was with him. I had to lay down in his bed with him. He had learned my sneaky ways, so he got to where he would practically sleep on top of my head so he would wake up when I started to escape, uh, I mean get up. This was true for naps as well as night time.
I would lay there and think about all that I needed to get done. Laundry, dishes, etc. I felt bitterness and a hint of rage swell up in frustration.
Then it finally hit me that this would not last forever. He would grow up too soon and not want me anywhere near him. I decided to relax and just enjoy the moment. I would just stare at his sweet face. Laundry and dishes could wait.
My children are teenagers now and I'm still learning. These are just some of the mistakes that I remember. I'm sure there are more.
I'm also sure that I'll continue to make even more mistakes. Hopefully, I'll recognize them and learn from them so that tomorrow I'll do better than I did today.
Yep. Here are a few more mistakes I've made....
Parenting Mistake #6: Trying to keep up appearances.
When my oldest was just an infant, I was so excited about being a stay at home mom with him. One of the perks was getting to go to Ladies Bible Class. It was wonderful. Getting there, however, wasn't always wonderful.
I remember one morning while getting ready to go, I had fed Noah, burped him, changed him, and he was in his carrier all ready. He had everything he needed. Now it was my turn to get ready.
As I sat doing my makeup/hair, he started getting fussy. I started out with There, there, sweetie, it's ok. Eventually it came to Mommy's trying to get ready, honey. Can't you just sit there quietly while mommy gets ready? To What's the matter with you? Can't you see I'm trying to get ready so that we can go study God's word? You're driving me crazy!
I was practically yelling at a three month old! For shame! I was suddenly struck with the absurdity of the situation. I was yelling at a baby because I was worried about being on time to Bible Class. Talk about straining the gnat and swallowing the camel! (Matthew 23:24)
I learned that day that how I treat people and take care of my family is much more important than having the whole world think that I have it all together.
There were times when we showed up for Wednesday night Bible class and one of my kids didn't have any shoes on. Or maybe only had one. Or maybe had two shoes, but they didn't match. I didn't care.
There were times (still are) when we show up for worship late. Generally speaking, my kids usually have matching shoes on now, but sometimes their fashion choices are odd. Again, who cares?
If we had to be perfect to go to worship, well, we'd never go.
Parenting Mistake #7: Thinking that if I taught things the perfect way, it only took once.
I remember Noah going through a phase (he was about 2) where he was hitting. I thought if I only knew the right thing to say, or if I only spanked him the right way, etc that he would learn immediately. If punishment were only severe enough and swiftly enough, the problem would be solved.
I read somewhere that it doesn't work that way. Seems like it takes hundreds of times for a child to hear something for it to finally sink in. Hundreds? Sigh. This would not be easy, or come naturally (please refer back to mistakes #4 and #5).
It was a good thing that I learned this before Koby came along. I love Koby with all my heart, but he is the reason that I bought and read Dobson's new revised edition of The Strong Willed Child. I knew that Koby needed me to be the parent. I had learned that it wouldn't be easy or come naturally. I had learned that I had to be intentional and that it would take time. And energy. But he was definitely worth it.
Parenting takes time. Lots of it.
Parenting Mistake #8: Judging other parents.
I'll admit that I used to struggle with judging other parents. Oh, maybe I didn't say anything out loud, but I thought it. It seemed that I always was most critical to parents who were just ahead of me.
For example, before I had any kids, I remember thinking things like, Wow, their car seats are so messy! I will never let my car get that dirty!
When my kids were babies, I thought, Wow, I can't believe that they let their children run around like that! Mine will always be sitting perfectly still!
When mine were toddlers, I thought, Wow, I can't believe that parent let's their child come to church dressed like that! Don't they even comb their hair? (And we all know how I turned out on this one!)
You get the idea.
I've since learned to not judge. And I've come to appreciate those who do not judge me.
Everybody is pretty much doing the best that they can. If they aren't, well, then the most helpful thing I can do is to just do my best and be an example.
Parenting Mistake #9: Thinking that my kids had to have the best of everything.
When my kids were younger, I wanted them (or really me) to have the best. I cared about them wearing Stride-Rite shoes or having the latest baby gadget.
One advantage of being a single parent is that people do not expect your kids to have it all. I no longer want my kids to have it all. When compared to the rest of the world, we do already have it all. I want my kids to understand how blessed we are- how rich we are.
At my home we talk frequently about how wonderful it is to have a house and a car. Not everyone has that. And we never have to worry about our next meal or if we'll have clean water. Not everyone can say that.
Parenting Mistake #10: Thinking that I needed to give my kids everything I had growing up plus all the things that I didn't have, but wish that I'd had.
Recently, we cut down the tree in our front yard. Two years ago a storm took out half of it and it never recovered. For a moment, I felt this sense of failure. My children would never have a tree house. That was something I always wanted. Now, it would never be.
This kind of falls into trying to make everything perfect. Having this ideal world that we want to present to our kids, but always falling short.
We have these expectations that we can usually never live up to. Sometimes when we are trying to live up to expectations, we miss the joy of the actual life we're living.
Parenting Mistake #11: Thinking that whatever was happening would be happening forever.
This too shall pass is one of my favorite phases. It works for both positive and negative things. Whatever stage you are in, just enjoy it as best you can because it won't last long. If it's a terrible stage and you feel like you can't take it any more, well, just hold on because it won't last forever either.
I remember when Noah was a toddler, he would not go to sleep unless I was with him. I had to lay down in his bed with him. He had learned my sneaky ways, so he got to where he would practically sleep on top of my head so he would wake up when I started to escape, uh, I mean get up. This was true for naps as well as night time.
I would lay there and think about all that I needed to get done. Laundry, dishes, etc. I felt bitterness and a hint of rage swell up in frustration.
Then it finally hit me that this would not last forever. He would grow up too soon and not want me anywhere near him. I decided to relax and just enjoy the moment. I would just stare at his sweet face. Laundry and dishes could wait.
My children are teenagers now and I'm still learning. These are just some of the mistakes that I remember. I'm sure there are more.
I'm also sure that I'll continue to make even more mistakes. Hopefully, I'll recognize them and learn from them so that tomorrow I'll do better than I did today.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Mistakes I Made as a Parent (Part 1)
So, my post "Mistakes I Made in My Marriage" got more hits in 24 hours than any other post I've written. Maybe it's because people are curious. Most likely, it's simply because we all just seek validation that we are not the only ones who do not (or did not) have a perfect marriage. We all make mistakes. I recently heard a saying that I really like:
I can learn so much from my mistakes when I'm not busy denying them.
Yep.
So, I thought, hey, I've made lots of mistakes along the way. Why not share some more?
Parenting mistake #1: Not listening to my mother.
When my oldest, Noah, was just over a year old, he was crying and would not go to sleep. His father and I tried everything we could think of. We rocked him, we tried to let him cry it out. I'm humiliated to say that we spanked him. In desperation, we drove around for more than an hour. Surely he'd fall asleep in the car.
My mother insisted that he was sick. I was sure that he was not. He was old enough to be exerting some rebellion, but not old enough to verbalize. I was sure that he was just being stubborn. I mean, how could my mother, who had raised three children to adulthood know more than me with my now more than one full year of experience?
Finally, after we were up all night, we called the doctor and took him in. He had stopped crying, but still no sleep.
He was sick. His little throat was bright red. I think it was tonsillitis. Hang head in shame.
From that time on, I listened to my mother (for the most part). Also, I have apologized to my now 16 year old son for scarring him for life on that horrendous night. He says that he doesn't remember it, but I'm sure that one day it will come out of his subconscious when he's in therapy.
Parenting Mistake #2: Not accepting help/ Being defensive when offered help
Great grandmother to my toddler: Oh, look at those long fingernails! Come here and let me cut those for you!
What I heard: Oh, you poor child! I can't believe that your mother doesn't take care of you! For shame!! She obviously needs someone to step in on your behalf. Come here and let me clip your fingernails!
It took me a while, but eventually I realized that I could not do this parenting thing alone (I became a single parent when my oldest was 3 1/2 and my youngest was a baby). I set my pride aside and accepted help wherever it was offered.
Babysit? You bet! Clip their fingernails? Yes, please! Hand-me down clothes? Yay!
Parenting Mistake #3: Trying to get my child to do things too early/soon
I'll just say it like it is, I tried to potty train my first son WAY too soon. You know, you have other mom friends with kids the same age and we are always talking about what milestones our child is reaching. Also, reading the book What to expect each and every minute of your child's first three years of life- I knew what I should be doing!
So, I don't even remember how old he was, but I went all out- bought the potty seat, read the potty book, bought the pull ups and the big boy underwear. And I was a stressed-out mess for weeks. Accident after accident after accident. But, how could I let my child fall behind? Didn't I owe it to him to keep trying?
No, no, I did not. So I gave up. We went to just pull-ups and no pressure. For what seemed like eternity. Until he was ready. And that's all it took, was for him to be ready. No stress, no worries.
I remember someone telling me that most likely, he would not graduate from high school still in diapers, drinking from a bottle, and sucking on his pacifier. So, why worry? You know what? He's 16, and yep, no diapers, no bottle and no paci!
With my second son, Koby, I just waited. And waited. And when he was ready for whatever next step there was to take- well, we took it. No stress, no worries.
Parenting Mistake #4: Thinking it would be easy.
I had wanted to be a parent as far back as I could remember. I loved children. I babysat all the time. I was going to be the perfect mother. When I was pregnant, I read every book I could get my hands on. I was ready. I thought.
I was thirty years old when I had my first baby. I was married with a great support system. I remember thinking, Here I am and I can barely cope! How in the world does a 16 year old girl do this on her own?
I don't remember anyone telling me how hard it was going to be.
I don't remember anyone telling me that there would be times that I wanted to throw my child out the window. (Please don't call CPS. I would never actually do that, but there have been plenty of times when I felt like it.)
This one sort of leads to my next mistake....
Parenting Mistake #5: Thinking it all came naturally.
If I'm a good mother, won't I just know what to do? I used to look at others and think, wow, they know what to do, why don't I?
I remember watching one of my friends with her children. She just hugged and kissed on them all the time. She told them how much she loved them. Her love just oozed out of her. I remember wondering why I wasn't like that. Then it hit me. I could be. I just needed to be intentional about it. Some things don't come naturally. They come when we are intentional.
So, I set about to show more love to my children. And you know what? It was wonderful!
I remember another friend of mine who always was prepared wherever we went. She had snacks when snacks were needed. She had wipes when they were needed. I watched and learned from her as well. Maybe she had watched and learned from another mom.
This is a Biblical concept. Titus 2:4 These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children...
Things didn't usually just come naturally. I had to learn them.
I can learn so much from my mistakes when I'm not busy denying them.
Yep.
So, I thought, hey, I've made lots of mistakes along the way. Why not share some more?
Parenting mistake #1: Not listening to my mother.
When my oldest, Noah, was just over a year old, he was crying and would not go to sleep. His father and I tried everything we could think of. We rocked him, we tried to let him cry it out. I'm humiliated to say that we spanked him. In desperation, we drove around for more than an hour. Surely he'd fall asleep in the car.
My mother insisted that he was sick. I was sure that he was not. He was old enough to be exerting some rebellion, but not old enough to verbalize. I was sure that he was just being stubborn. I mean, how could my mother, who had raised three children to adulthood know more than me with my now more than one full year of experience?
Finally, after we were up all night, we called the doctor and took him in. He had stopped crying, but still no sleep.
He was sick. His little throat was bright red. I think it was tonsillitis. Hang head in shame.
From that time on, I listened to my mother (for the most part). Also, I have apologized to my now 16 year old son for scarring him for life on that horrendous night. He says that he doesn't remember it, but I'm sure that one day it will come out of his subconscious when he's in therapy.
Parenting Mistake #2: Not accepting help/ Being defensive when offered help
Great grandmother to my toddler: Oh, look at those long fingernails! Come here and let me cut those for you!
What I heard: Oh, you poor child! I can't believe that your mother doesn't take care of you! For shame!! She obviously needs someone to step in on your behalf. Come here and let me clip your fingernails!
It took me a while, but eventually I realized that I could not do this parenting thing alone (I became a single parent when my oldest was 3 1/2 and my youngest was a baby). I set my pride aside and accepted help wherever it was offered.
Babysit? You bet! Clip their fingernails? Yes, please! Hand-me down clothes? Yay!
Parenting Mistake #3: Trying to get my child to do things too early/soon
I'll just say it like it is, I tried to potty train my first son WAY too soon. You know, you have other mom friends with kids the same age and we are always talking about what milestones our child is reaching. Also, reading the book What to expect each and every minute of your child's first three years of life- I knew what I should be doing!
So, I don't even remember how old he was, but I went all out- bought the potty seat, read the potty book, bought the pull ups and the big boy underwear. And I was a stressed-out mess for weeks. Accident after accident after accident. But, how could I let my child fall behind? Didn't I owe it to him to keep trying?
No, no, I did not. So I gave up. We went to just pull-ups and no pressure. For what seemed like eternity. Until he was ready. And that's all it took, was for him to be ready. No stress, no worries.
I remember someone telling me that most likely, he would not graduate from high school still in diapers, drinking from a bottle, and sucking on his pacifier. So, why worry? You know what? He's 16, and yep, no diapers, no bottle and no paci!
With my second son, Koby, I just waited. And waited. And when he was ready for whatever next step there was to take- well, we took it. No stress, no worries.
Parenting Mistake #4: Thinking it would be easy.
I had wanted to be a parent as far back as I could remember. I loved children. I babysat all the time. I was going to be the perfect mother. When I was pregnant, I read every book I could get my hands on. I was ready. I thought.
I was thirty years old when I had my first baby. I was married with a great support system. I remember thinking, Here I am and I can barely cope! How in the world does a 16 year old girl do this on her own?
I don't remember anyone telling me how hard it was going to be.
I don't remember anyone telling me that there would be times that I wanted to throw my child out the window. (Please don't call CPS. I would never actually do that, but there have been plenty of times when I felt like it.)
This one sort of leads to my next mistake....
Parenting Mistake #5: Thinking it all came naturally.
If I'm a good mother, won't I just know what to do? I used to look at others and think, wow, they know what to do, why don't I?
I remember watching one of my friends with her children. She just hugged and kissed on them all the time. She told them how much she loved them. Her love just oozed out of her. I remember wondering why I wasn't like that. Then it hit me. I could be. I just needed to be intentional about it. Some things don't come naturally. They come when we are intentional.
So, I set about to show more love to my children. And you know what? It was wonderful!
I remember another friend of mine who always was prepared wherever we went. She had snacks when snacks were needed. She had wipes when they were needed. I watched and learned from her as well. Maybe she had watched and learned from another mom.
This is a Biblical concept. Titus 2:4 These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children...
Things didn't usually just come naturally. I had to learn them.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
The Perfect Mother's Day
Here is how I expect my mother's day will go, at least from the previous years' indications:
First, I will awaken to the sweet smells of bacon, eggs, and french toast. MMMMmmmm!
I will hear the gentle laughter of my children working together in the kitchen to prepare the masterpiece breakfast.
"Here, let me help you!"
"Why, thank you!"
I will smile as they bring in the tray of perfectly cooked treats garnished with a single rose in a bud vase.
I will sit up as they walk in my room, already dressed in their Sunday best, cards and presents in hand, gently setting the tray down on the bed as they burst into "For she's a jolly good mother!" ♪♫
And then I will wake up.
No, this has never happened. Nor do I expect it to. Ever. And that's ok.
Mother's day is generally just another ordinary Sunday morning where we are running around trying to find socks and something to wear to church.
My life is filled with ordinary days. Perfectly wonderful ordinary days.
Sometimes my kids fight. Sometimes they make poor choices.
But let me tell you what else happens on these perfectly ordinary days.
"Mom, now that you're not on whole30, want me to make you some nachos?" (That happened just last night! And I said yes!)
Voicemails from my 16 year old always end with "Love you!"
"Why thank you!" (They do actually say that sometimes!)
"That's so nice of you!"
"I'll do it for you, mom."
"Mom, you buy the burgers and I'll cook them on the grill!"
And sometimes, I even do get breakfast in bed!
These mixed with random notes of love and appreciation, unexpected gestures of kindness, and subtle glimpses into the men they will one day become fill my ordinary days.
And these days make every day the perfect mother's day.
First, I will awaken to the sweet smells of bacon, eggs, and french toast. MMMMmmmm!
I will hear the gentle laughter of my children working together in the kitchen to prepare the masterpiece breakfast.
"Here, let me help you!"
"Why, thank you!"
I will smile as they bring in the tray of perfectly cooked treats garnished with a single rose in a bud vase.
I will sit up as they walk in my room, already dressed in their Sunday best, cards and presents in hand, gently setting the tray down on the bed as they burst into "For she's a jolly good mother!" ♪♫
And then I will wake up.
No, this has never happened. Nor do I expect it to. Ever. And that's ok.
Mother's day is generally just another ordinary Sunday morning where we are running around trying to find socks and something to wear to church.
My life is filled with ordinary days. Perfectly wonderful ordinary days.
Sometimes my kids fight. Sometimes they make poor choices.
But let me tell you what else happens on these perfectly ordinary days.
"Mom, now that you're not on whole30, want me to make you some nachos?" (That happened just last night! And I said yes!)
Voicemails from my 16 year old always end with "Love you!"
"Why thank you!" (They do actually say that sometimes!)
"That's so nice of you!"
"I'll do it for you, mom."
"Mom, you buy the burgers and I'll cook them on the grill!"
And sometimes, I even do get breakfast in bed!
These mixed with random notes of love and appreciation, unexpected gestures of kindness, and subtle glimpses into the men they will one day become fill my ordinary days.
And these days make every day the perfect mother's day.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Yes, I do got this!
Have you seen this 15 second commercial?
If the video doesn't come through, here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41-TNC3W6uo
If the video doesn't come through, here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41-TNC3W6uo
I love it. Let me tell you why.
I used to be the woman with the list. I went thru life checking off all the things that I needed to do. I was running around making sure that I did everything right, that I considered and weighed all options- essentially ensuring that my life was perfect.
Ha! What my life was- was hectic. Running from place to place. Worrying that I would miss something. Desperate to make the right choices.
I liked being the woman with the list. People could look at me and say, "Wow, look at her! She has it all together!" Little did they know that with the list comes stress and frantic-ness. Is that a word?
Little did they know (or did I know) that I didn't have it all together.
Then, I learned how to be like the husband in the commercial. I decided to take my life (the list) and hand it over to the one who was the Expert (the Ikea employee)- the one who knew everything about the list.
I handed my life over to God and said, "You got this, right?"
And God replied, "I do got this."
Ahhh, relax.
Come unto me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:17-18.
Of course I'm not saying that I can simply place my order for my life with God. I do not hand him a list of wants. I hand him my life. What he does with it is up to Him.
But, I can relax.
Because He does got this.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Mistakes I Made in My Marriage
I'm divorced. At times I feel like I walk around with a big scarlet D emblazoned on my chest. That's baggage that I am working on turning over (but that's another blog). I didn't want my marriage to end. But it did. I can tell you more if you would like. Just ask.
I have come to acknowledge the many mistakes that I made during my marriage. Of course I know it wasn't totally all my fault. I am only trying to reflect and accept responsibility for my part.
First and foremost, I had this incredible need to be right. Pretty much at any cost. And cost it did. Probably most of my mistakes can be traced back to this.
If we were driving somewhere (see what I did there- I mean, I wasn't even the one driving- he was), I always knew the fastest and most effective route. And I was vocal and insistent about it.
If we were in disagreement about something, I kept my ground. I held on to it and went to great lengths to prove that I was right. If I'd have had my iphone back then, I could have kept Siri busy looking up things to prove that I was indeed correct in the matter. Of course, I wasn't always right, but I'd die trying to prove that I was.
If my husband made some kind of mistake- any kind of mistake, I felt duty bound to confront him about it. I wasn't always harsh, but it didn't matter. I rarely let things go. I see that now.
If there was a decision to be made, I obviously knew the best choice. Obviously. How arrogant could I be? Again, great lengths to show my supposed superiority.
I chose being right over "us." Being right was more important than "us." Proving that I was right was more important than maintaining unity. Oh, how foolish I was!
I not only was too concerned with being right, but I kept a record of it. I kept score. Not in a hateful, spiteful way, but it didn't matter. I kept score. I remembered wrongs. I reminded him too often of my "rightness."
What I didn't realize is that choosing "us" is more important than which house to buy, which route to take, or how to load the dishwasher. (I got that idea from the movie, "The Family Man." Great movie! Unfortunately, I discovered this after the marriage ended.)
What I didn't realize is that if we were to be a team, that meant that we were on the same side! It meant that I stood up for him, cheered for him, backed him up, and unless it was in direct conflict with God, I would do this no matter what! I should chose "us" at any cost!
What I didn't get is that it's ok to let things slide sometimes. It's ok to cut him some slack. No one can be great all the time. No one.
What I didn't get is that I don't have to, in fact I shouldn't point out all his flaws and mistakes. Good grief, he's an adult. He didn't need me to point out everything I thought was wrong in his life.
What I didn't get is that "love covers over a multitude of sins." (I Peter 4:8)
What I didn't get is that I wasn't God. I was so busy trying to improve my husband, that I was getting in God's way.
What I didn't get is that it is more important to be kind than right.
What I didn't get is that it is more important to support my husband than to be right.
What I didn't get is that it is more important to be loving than to prove that my way to cook the mac-n-cheese is the correct way. (That was actually one of our first married fights. Now, how ridiculous is that??)
Yeah, I understand more now than I did then. Hopefully now that I know better, I do better. I have apologized to my ex-husband for being so critical and controlling (making amends you know). He responded with something like, "Oh, Carol, you weren't that bad." Yeah, I think I was.
I'm not trying to be down on myself, just honest. Honest so that I can grow and change. Honest so that I can do better.
I'm trying to not make those same mistakes with my children. I'm trying to not make those same mistakes with anyone and everyone that I come in contact with.
I used to want to be known as being right- about everything.
Now I want to be known as being kind and loving.
I have come to acknowledge the many mistakes that I made during my marriage. Of course I know it wasn't totally all my fault. I am only trying to reflect and accept responsibility for my part.
First and foremost, I had this incredible need to be right. Pretty much at any cost. And cost it did. Probably most of my mistakes can be traced back to this.
If we were driving somewhere (see what I did there- I mean, I wasn't even the one driving- he was), I always knew the fastest and most effective route. And I was vocal and insistent about it.
If we were in disagreement about something, I kept my ground. I held on to it and went to great lengths to prove that I was right. If I'd have had my iphone back then, I could have kept Siri busy looking up things to prove that I was indeed correct in the matter. Of course, I wasn't always right, but I'd die trying to prove that I was.
If my husband made some kind of mistake- any kind of mistake, I felt duty bound to confront him about it. I wasn't always harsh, but it didn't matter. I rarely let things go. I see that now.
If there was a decision to be made, I obviously knew the best choice. Obviously. How arrogant could I be? Again, great lengths to show my supposed superiority.
I chose being right over "us." Being right was more important than "us." Proving that I was right was more important than maintaining unity. Oh, how foolish I was!
I not only was too concerned with being right, but I kept a record of it. I kept score. Not in a hateful, spiteful way, but it didn't matter. I kept score. I remembered wrongs. I reminded him too often of my "rightness."
What I didn't realize is that choosing "us" is more important than which house to buy, which route to take, or how to load the dishwasher. (I got that idea from the movie, "The Family Man." Great movie! Unfortunately, I discovered this after the marriage ended.)
What I didn't realize is that if we were to be a team, that meant that we were on the same side! It meant that I stood up for him, cheered for him, backed him up, and unless it was in direct conflict with God, I would do this no matter what! I should chose "us" at any cost!
What I didn't get is that it's ok to let things slide sometimes. It's ok to cut him some slack. No one can be great all the time. No one.
What I didn't get is that I don't have to, in fact I shouldn't point out all his flaws and mistakes. Good grief, he's an adult. He didn't need me to point out everything I thought was wrong in his life.
What I didn't get is that "love covers over a multitude of sins." (I Peter 4:8)
What I didn't get is that I wasn't God. I was so busy trying to improve my husband, that I was getting in God's way.
What I didn't get is that it is more important to be kind than right.
What I didn't get is that it is more important to support my husband than to be right.
What I didn't get is that it is more important to be loving than to prove that my way to cook the mac-n-cheese is the correct way. (That was actually one of our first married fights. Now, how ridiculous is that??)
Yeah, I understand more now than I did then. Hopefully now that I know better, I do better. I have apologized to my ex-husband for being so critical and controlling (making amends you know). He responded with something like, "Oh, Carol, you weren't that bad." Yeah, I think I was.
I'm not trying to be down on myself, just honest. Honest so that I can grow and change. Honest so that I can do better.
I'm trying to not make those same mistakes with my children. I'm trying to not make those same mistakes with anyone and everyone that I come in contact with.
I used to want to be known as being right- about everything.
Now I want to be known as being kind and loving.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
This Girl is Out of Control!
I used to call myself a control freak. But, honestly, I am rarely, if ever, actually in control. I'm more of an I'm-desperately-trying-to-be-in-control-aholic. I really just have the illusion that I'm in control.
There are two examples in my life that parrallel my need for control. One is snow skiing and one is riding roller coasters.
Now, it's been a long time since I've been skiing, but let me share my experience with you. I remember in high school being on a church ski trip. I went down the mountain in a snow plow position. My legs were tensed. I'm sure my teeth were clinched. I felt the need to be able to stop at any given moment. On a dime. See? I needed to be in control. How fun and exciting it was to travel down the beautiful mountain while tied in knots. Not.
I remember coming to a section of moguls with our church group. For you non-skiiers, moguls are a series of short bumps. I very carefully snow-plowed slowly through some of them, I'm sure screaming with terror the entire time.
Then one of our adult sponsors, Charles Landreth, came over to me and said, "Carol, just let go. Just let loose and glide over them." Uh, really?
Well, being young and impressionable, I gave it a try. When I got to the next set of moguls, I straightened up my skis and away I went. It was the most scary, exhilarating thing I had ever done! I wasn't sure that my heart could take it. And I didn't die. It was fun!
You know the thing about going at a pace where you can stop at any moment means that while you may think you are safe, what you are actually doing is robbing yourself of the experience of really flying!
Now, I didn't exactly get this life lesson on that trip, but it was a start. I went skiing again years later on another church trip, this time as an adult chaperone. Our youth minister, Mike Miller, gave a devo talk one night where he said, "It's ok to fall. That's how we learn. In skiing, in life."
So, the next day, one of the teenagers (Rachel McBride) and I traveled down the mountain chanting, "It's ok to fall, it's ok to fall!" I mean, what's the worst that could happen? I could crash into a tree and die. Or be paralyzed. Or fall off of a cliff. But I digress...
My attitude had changed from fear and the need to be in control to that of "Watch out mountain, here I come and if I fall, well, that's ok!" I let loose. And fall I did. But, the joy of skiing was restored!
Of course, in every other aspect of my life I still grasped tightly to the need to be in control. This would last for years. And years. I would make the right choices to make my life the way I wanted it to be. I would do or say the right thing to make the people I love do or say the right thing (can you say manipulation?). Of course, that never works. Nor should it.
So, during my years of denial-overcoming and discovery, I remembered how earlier in life I came to actually enjoy roller coasters. I compared it to how I was living and decided that I needed to apply my attitude toward roller coasters to the rest of my life. I'll explain.
I used to ride roller coasters with my arms wound as tightly as possible around the bars. (Are you seeing my pattern?) My knuckles would turn white clenching to the metal bar as my feet and legs pressed up to the cart for stability.
Now, I started to think about it. Ok, really, there are two things that could go wrong. One- my seat belt and/or safety bar could break and I could get flung out of the roller coaster on my own. Two- the entire car of passengers could jump the track and go sailing. Now, honestly, if my seat belt broke, do I really think that grabbing on to the bar will keep me in the car? And, of course, if the whole car falls off the track, well, there's nothing that I can do that would save us anyway.
So, all that energy I spent holding on was actually just giving me the illusion of control. I didn't really have any control. In a desperate situation, it really wouldn't help me. Not one bit.
I had a choice to make. Continue to cling to the illusion of control and be miserable, or let go and enjoy the ride!
I chose the latter. I can still remember riding the Shockwave at Six Flags and coming up out of my seat! And you know what? Amazingly enough, I didn't fly out! And the car stayed on the track!! And I screamed. With delight!
So, I decided to put that into practice in my life. Yeah, ok it took a while. And I still have my moments.
I figured out that although I was doing fairly well at obeying God, I was not doing so well at trusting Him with my life. I was so busy trying to do what I thought that I should to that I was not leaving Him room to work. It is a terrifying idea to let someone else be in control. Terrifying.
But, I had come to the point that me being in control was not working. When I thought about it, I mean, who else would I want to be in control of my life but the Creator of the universe? Of course, what the Creator of the universe has planned for me may not be what I want. Was I willing to accept that?
Eventually the answer became yes. I was. Whatever may come, I want what God chooses for me- not what I choose for me. It's still scary sometimes, but also exciting, and peaceful. I'm not in control. I've given that over to Him.
I've heard letting God control your life described as going down a giant mountain on a bicycle. Bumps and holes, curves and swerves- never knowing what will come next. But, I'm in the basket and God has the wheel. He's in control. I can be fearful and tighten my clutches or I can let go, relax and enjoy the ride.
There are two examples in my life that parrallel my need for control. One is snow skiing and one is riding roller coasters.
Now, it's been a long time since I've been skiing, but let me share my experience with you. I remember in high school being on a church ski trip. I went down the mountain in a snow plow position. My legs were tensed. I'm sure my teeth were clinched. I felt the need to be able to stop at any given moment. On a dime. See? I needed to be in control. How fun and exciting it was to travel down the beautiful mountain while tied in knots. Not.
I remember coming to a section of moguls with our church group. For you non-skiiers, moguls are a series of short bumps. I very carefully snow-plowed slowly through some of them, I'm sure screaming with terror the entire time.
Then one of our adult sponsors, Charles Landreth, came over to me and said, "Carol, just let go. Just let loose and glide over them." Uh, really?
Well, being young and impressionable, I gave it a try. When I got to the next set of moguls, I straightened up my skis and away I went. It was the most scary, exhilarating thing I had ever done! I wasn't sure that my heart could take it. And I didn't die. It was fun!
You know the thing about going at a pace where you can stop at any moment means that while you may think you are safe, what you are actually doing is robbing yourself of the experience of really flying!
Now, I didn't exactly get this life lesson on that trip, but it was a start. I went skiing again years later on another church trip, this time as an adult chaperone. Our youth minister, Mike Miller, gave a devo talk one night where he said, "It's ok to fall. That's how we learn. In skiing, in life."
So, the next day, one of the teenagers (Rachel McBride) and I traveled down the mountain chanting, "It's ok to fall, it's ok to fall!" I mean, what's the worst that could happen? I could crash into a tree and die. Or be paralyzed. Or fall off of a cliff. But I digress...
My attitude had changed from fear and the need to be in control to that of "Watch out mountain, here I come and if I fall, well, that's ok!" I let loose. And fall I did. But, the joy of skiing was restored!
Of course, in every other aspect of my life I still grasped tightly to the need to be in control. This would last for years. And years. I would make the right choices to make my life the way I wanted it to be. I would do or say the right thing to make the people I love do or say the right thing (can you say manipulation?). Of course, that never works. Nor should it.
So, during my years of denial-overcoming and discovery, I remembered how earlier in life I came to actually enjoy roller coasters. I compared it to how I was living and decided that I needed to apply my attitude toward roller coasters to the rest of my life. I'll explain.
I used to ride roller coasters with my arms wound as tightly as possible around the bars. (Are you seeing my pattern?) My knuckles would turn white clenching to the metal bar as my feet and legs pressed up to the cart for stability.
Now, I started to think about it. Ok, really, there are two things that could go wrong. One- my seat belt and/or safety bar could break and I could get flung out of the roller coaster on my own. Two- the entire car of passengers could jump the track and go sailing. Now, honestly, if my seat belt broke, do I really think that grabbing on to the bar will keep me in the car? And, of course, if the whole car falls off the track, well, there's nothing that I can do that would save us anyway.
So, all that energy I spent holding on was actually just giving me the illusion of control. I didn't really have any control. In a desperate situation, it really wouldn't help me. Not one bit.
I had a choice to make. Continue to cling to the illusion of control and be miserable, or let go and enjoy the ride!
I chose the latter. I can still remember riding the Shockwave at Six Flags and coming up out of my seat! And you know what? Amazingly enough, I didn't fly out! And the car stayed on the track!! And I screamed. With delight!
So, I decided to put that into practice in my life. Yeah, ok it took a while. And I still have my moments.
I figured out that although I was doing fairly well at obeying God, I was not doing so well at trusting Him with my life. I was so busy trying to do what I thought that I should to that I was not leaving Him room to work. It is a terrifying idea to let someone else be in control. Terrifying.
But, I had come to the point that me being in control was not working. When I thought about it, I mean, who else would I want to be in control of my life but the Creator of the universe? Of course, what the Creator of the universe has planned for me may not be what I want. Was I willing to accept that?
Eventually the answer became yes. I was. Whatever may come, I want what God chooses for me- not what I choose for me. It's still scary sometimes, but also exciting, and peaceful. I'm not in control. I've given that over to Him.
I've heard letting God control your life described as going down a giant mountain on a bicycle. Bumps and holes, curves and swerves- never knowing what will come next. But, I'm in the basket and God has the wheel. He's in control. I can be fearful and tighten my clutches or I can let go, relax and enjoy the ride.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
What He Didn't Say
We are studying the parable of the prodigal son on Sunday mornings. Yes, I've studied it a million times, but this one is especially eye-opening.
I have had some ah-ha moments because of this class. Most of them have been because of the father in the parable. I'm not sure that I ever paid that much attention to the father's actions. How he behaves, what he says. And, I think I've really learned the most by taking note of the things that he DIDN'T say.
For instance, to the younger son leaving, he never says:
No, please don't. You'll break my heart!
What can I do to get you to stay? I'll do anything!
This will ruin our family's reputation!
How can you be so stupid?
I knew you'd leave! You always disappoint me.
You'll be sorry. One day, you'll come crawling back- you'll see.
You'll never make it. Don't say I didn't warn you!
Gulp! Have I ever said anything like this to someone who was making a poor choice? Wow.
Nope. No begging, bargaining, or demeaning. No, the father respected his son enough to let him make his own choices. Also, by not saying some of the above mentioned words, he left the door open for the son to return.
And then, when the younger son does return, you also DO NOT hear the father say:
I knew you'd be back. I knew you'd never make it on your own.
What were you thinking?
I hope you've learned your lesson.
Just make sure you don't mess up again.
Or perhaps the worst..... I told you so!
No, he opens his arms and accepts him. He puts a ring on his finger and throws a big party for him!. Now, I do not think that this means that he will accept unacceptable behavior. No, I think that the son knows what is expected of him. He wouldn't be back if he wasn't willing to live up to that. I think that's probably part of why he had to leave the father in the first place.
Is this the way I react when someone repents and comes back to the Lord? When someone tells me they are sorry for wronging me? When someone tries to change their life?
And then there's the older son. After the younger son comes back, he starts to gripe and complain. What does the father say to him? Again, I can tell you what he DOESN'T say.
What's the matter with you? This is your brother!
Why would you embarrass me like this?
You are just spoiled, that's all!
I don't care what you want- get into that party!
You only THINK you're the good son!
No, he calmly assures the older son of his love for him and his place in the family. He doesn't pit one brother against another. He doesn't even scold. Everything he says is helpful. Everything he says creates unity.
One of my favorite sayings is, "It is better to be kind than right." It seems like the father knew this, and practiced it.
Now it's time for me to go and do likewise.
I have had some ah-ha moments because of this class. Most of them have been because of the father in the parable. I'm not sure that I ever paid that much attention to the father's actions. How he behaves, what he says. And, I think I've really learned the most by taking note of the things that he DIDN'T say.
For instance, to the younger son leaving, he never says:
No, please don't. You'll break my heart!
What can I do to get you to stay? I'll do anything!
This will ruin our family's reputation!
How can you be so stupid?
I knew you'd leave! You always disappoint me.
You'll be sorry. One day, you'll come crawling back- you'll see.
You'll never make it. Don't say I didn't warn you!
Gulp! Have I ever said anything like this to someone who was making a poor choice? Wow.
Nope. No begging, bargaining, or demeaning. No, the father respected his son enough to let him make his own choices. Also, by not saying some of the above mentioned words, he left the door open for the son to return.
And then, when the younger son does return, you also DO NOT hear the father say:
I knew you'd be back. I knew you'd never make it on your own.
What were you thinking?
I hope you've learned your lesson.
Just make sure you don't mess up again.
Or perhaps the worst..... I told you so!
No, he opens his arms and accepts him. He puts a ring on his finger and throws a big party for him!. Now, I do not think that this means that he will accept unacceptable behavior. No, I think that the son knows what is expected of him. He wouldn't be back if he wasn't willing to live up to that. I think that's probably part of why he had to leave the father in the first place.
Is this the way I react when someone repents and comes back to the Lord? When someone tells me they are sorry for wronging me? When someone tries to change their life?
And then there's the older son. After the younger son comes back, he starts to gripe and complain. What does the father say to him? Again, I can tell you what he DOESN'T say.
What's the matter with you? This is your brother!
Why would you embarrass me like this?
You are just spoiled, that's all!
I don't care what you want- get into that party!
You only THINK you're the good son!
No, he calmly assures the older son of his love for him and his place in the family. He doesn't pit one brother against another. He doesn't even scold. Everything he says is helpful. Everything he says creates unity.
One of my favorite sayings is, "It is better to be kind than right." It seems like the father knew this, and practiced it.
Now it's time for me to go and do likewise.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
LTC
I am convinced that the lessons learned with LTC have less to do with the events and more to do with the process. Let me explain.
For those of you who are not familiar with this program, LTC stands for Leadership Training for Christ. It is designed for children in 3rd-12th grades to help them develop their talents for the Lord. They work on individual and team events such as song leading, chorus, drama, speech, scripture reading, signing for the deaf, art, etc. Generally, church-wide practices begin in January and then over Easter weekend, we gather with other congregations for a convention and the students showcase these talents and are awarded a gold, silver, bronze or honorable mention medal based on their adherance to a set of standards. It's not really a competition, but the awards are to motivate the students to do their best. It's difficult to explain the convention to someone who's never been. Because there are so many people going so many directions, the best description I've heard is that it is "organized chaos."
Ok, all that being said, let me continue with my thought. During my eight years of coaching LTC, I have come to realize that much more is learned than just from the events themselves. It's the process. It's the 4 hour practices every Sunday for three months. It's the 36+ hours spent together over Easter weekend. It's the deadlines and demands. It's the feeling like you want to pull your hair out and scream at times, but you don't. Usually.
Patience
For instance, when you get 3000 plus people that need to go up and down six elevators twelve times in a nine hour time period, you learn patience. Hopefully. When 30 people are all waiting and the elevator has room for three, you learn patience. When the elevator doors open up and it is already jam-packed, you learn patience.
Flexibility
When you're waiting for same said elevator and your event starts in ten minutes, then you learn to be flexible. Time for plan B. Take the stairs. (Now, getting into the flow of traffice in the stairwell is an art in itself, but that's another lesson.)
When the signing room is running way late and they move your entire group to another room, you learn to be flexible.
When you discover that your Bible Drama's two small Bibles for your skit are missing, you learn to be flexible. I mean, a piece of blue paper folded in half with the word "BIBLE" written in sharpie looks like a Bible, right? Sure it does!
Forbearance
Forbearance. I wasn't sure that was an actual word, but I looked it up. Yeah, it is. Basically it means putting up with each other. Tolerance. Giving each other a break. Not yelling at the person who bumped into you. Not correcting the monitor who shushed you when you weren't even the one talking.
Not verbally attacking the person who emails you at 11:00pm the night of the convention to ask you to re-send electronic files you submitted weeks ago.
Not killing the kid who breaks the rules. On purpose. Did we say no shorts? Did we say no swimming? Did we say don't go anywhere alone? Yes, yes we did. Yeah, I'd say we learn alot of forbearance at LTC.
No one is Perfect/ I can't do everything
When I take 30 seconds to take care of one child and then make a mad dash to my next child's event, only to get there seconds after they shut the doors, and miss the entire event, I realize that I cannot be a perfect parent. I cannot do everything.
Trying to make it to everyone's events is practically an impossibility. Sorry, Yoda, this is one case where I just have to try- not "do or do not." I try and do some.
Hmmmmm..... No one is perfect? Perhaps remembering that will help me in the forbearance department as well!
First things first
So, there's a yellow sheet of paper that you must submit to the room proctor before you perform. I was really grateful for the monitor who said, "It's just a piece of paper. We'll figure something out," when I wasn't sure that I had ours.
There is a certain time that you must be there in order to not give up your slot. Yes, I get it. There must be order.
However, what really matters? Loving God and loving people. We are there to do that. It's more important that I'm kind to my team than to remember my yellow piece of paper. It's more important that I know God than to memorize every word in the book of Matthew.
It's more important that I am patient and respectful than for me to be on time to my event. It's more important that I'm a good example than for me to make it to every event my child is in. These are lessons not easily learned. At least not for me.
Who's doing the learning?
Well, I was talking about this the other day and someone said, "Sounds like it's the parents that are learning these things."
Yes, that's it exactly. The leadership training that these kids learn has less to do with what I teach them about acting or singing for the Lord. It has everything to do with what they learn when they watch my behavior.
I may give my all to coach them the best way to sing their songs, but if I'm unkind and rude- THAT'S what I'm teaching them.
I may instruct them how to read the word of God in a clear and confident way, but if I'm quick to get angry at the kid whose mom drops him off late, THAT's what I'm teaching them.
How do I treat a child that frequently misses practice? Do I give them a lecture or do I smile and say, "I'm glad you're here!"?
How do I react when I've been waiting for an elevator for what seems like an hour (have I mentioned the elevators?) and then someone walks in front of me and gets the last spot?
How do I respond when I feel the judges results are unfair?
(Don't get me wrong. LTC is a wonderful experience, and for the most part, everyone who has a part in the planning and execution of it is a kind, dedicated Christian. That being said, remember, I've learned that no one is perfect. Judges, coordinators, parents, participants, me included.)
What is my demeanor when 50 people are all trying to eat lunch in one small room with 25 chairs? And it's hot. And I can't breathe.
How do I treat people when I'm going on little sleep, frantically trying to figure out where to be next, making sure we have all our props, supervising who knows how many kids?
That's when I take a deep breath and turn it all over to God. Some of this stuff just doesn't matter. Some of it does.
The leadership training that goes on is our children watching us respond in these situations. Do I respond with frustration and anger? Do I yell and threaten?
Or do I respond with love and a soft answer? Do I remain calm? Do I apologize when I am in the wrong?
Do I remember the big picture? Leadership Training for Christ. Yes, they give us a theme. We come up with all sorts of skits, songs, etc. that embody the theme, but the real challenge is: Can we display the theme in the way we behave?
So I turn the other cheek in my drama. But, do I turn the other cheek when my teammate snaps at me?
I go the extra mile in my puppet skit. But, do I go that extra mile when I'm asked to do something I've already done or don't want to do?
It's not about how I display the theme in a skit or poem or photo or song. It's how I display the theme in my life- my actions.
Yes, I'm convinced that when God is watching His children participate in LTC, it is not the medal count that he is looking for. It is how His children treat each other.
For those of you who are not familiar with this program, LTC stands for Leadership Training for Christ. It is designed for children in 3rd-12th grades to help them develop their talents for the Lord. They work on individual and team events such as song leading, chorus, drama, speech, scripture reading, signing for the deaf, art, etc. Generally, church-wide practices begin in January and then over Easter weekend, we gather with other congregations for a convention and the students showcase these talents and are awarded a gold, silver, bronze or honorable mention medal based on their adherance to a set of standards. It's not really a competition, but the awards are to motivate the students to do their best. It's difficult to explain the convention to someone who's never been. Because there are so many people going so many directions, the best description I've heard is that it is "organized chaos."
Ok, all that being said, let me continue with my thought. During my eight years of coaching LTC, I have come to realize that much more is learned than just from the events themselves. It's the process. It's the 4 hour practices every Sunday for three months. It's the 36+ hours spent together over Easter weekend. It's the deadlines and demands. It's the feeling like you want to pull your hair out and scream at times, but you don't. Usually.
Patience
For instance, when you get 3000 plus people that need to go up and down six elevators twelve times in a nine hour time period, you learn patience. Hopefully. When 30 people are all waiting and the elevator has room for three, you learn patience. When the elevator doors open up and it is already jam-packed, you learn patience.
Flexibility
When you're waiting for same said elevator and your event starts in ten minutes, then you learn to be flexible. Time for plan B. Take the stairs. (Now, getting into the flow of traffice in the stairwell is an art in itself, but that's another lesson.)
When the signing room is running way late and they move your entire group to another room, you learn to be flexible.
When you discover that your Bible Drama's two small Bibles for your skit are missing, you learn to be flexible. I mean, a piece of blue paper folded in half with the word "BIBLE" written in sharpie looks like a Bible, right? Sure it does!
Forbearance
Forbearance. I wasn't sure that was an actual word, but I looked it up. Yeah, it is. Basically it means putting up with each other. Tolerance. Giving each other a break. Not yelling at the person who bumped into you. Not correcting the monitor who shushed you when you weren't even the one talking.
Not verbally attacking the person who emails you at 11:00pm the night of the convention to ask you to re-send electronic files you submitted weeks ago.
Not killing the kid who breaks the rules. On purpose. Did we say no shorts? Did we say no swimming? Did we say don't go anywhere alone? Yes, yes we did. Yeah, I'd say we learn alot of forbearance at LTC.
No one is Perfect/ I can't do everything
When I take 30 seconds to take care of one child and then make a mad dash to my next child's event, only to get there seconds after they shut the doors, and miss the entire event, I realize that I cannot be a perfect parent. I cannot do everything.
Trying to make it to everyone's events is practically an impossibility. Sorry, Yoda, this is one case where I just have to try- not "do or do not." I try and do some.
Hmmmmm..... No one is perfect? Perhaps remembering that will help me in the forbearance department as well!
First things first
So, there's a yellow sheet of paper that you must submit to the room proctor before you perform. I was really grateful for the monitor who said, "It's just a piece of paper. We'll figure something out," when I wasn't sure that I had ours.
There is a certain time that you must be there in order to not give up your slot. Yes, I get it. There must be order.
However, what really matters? Loving God and loving people. We are there to do that. It's more important that I'm kind to my team than to remember my yellow piece of paper. It's more important that I know God than to memorize every word in the book of Matthew.
It's more important that I am patient and respectful than for me to be on time to my event. It's more important that I'm a good example than for me to make it to every event my child is in. These are lessons not easily learned. At least not for me.
Who's doing the learning?
Well, I was talking about this the other day and someone said, "Sounds like it's the parents that are learning these things."
Yes, that's it exactly. The leadership training that these kids learn has less to do with what I teach them about acting or singing for the Lord. It has everything to do with what they learn when they watch my behavior.
I may give my all to coach them the best way to sing their songs, but if I'm unkind and rude- THAT'S what I'm teaching them.
I may instruct them how to read the word of God in a clear and confident way, but if I'm quick to get angry at the kid whose mom drops him off late, THAT's what I'm teaching them.
How do I treat a child that frequently misses practice? Do I give them a lecture or do I smile and say, "I'm glad you're here!"?
How do I react when I've been waiting for an elevator for what seems like an hour (have I mentioned the elevators?) and then someone walks in front of me and gets the last spot?
How do I respond when I feel the judges results are unfair?
(Don't get me wrong. LTC is a wonderful experience, and for the most part, everyone who has a part in the planning and execution of it is a kind, dedicated Christian. That being said, remember, I've learned that no one is perfect. Judges, coordinators, parents, participants, me included.)
What is my demeanor when 50 people are all trying to eat lunch in one small room with 25 chairs? And it's hot. And I can't breathe.
How do I treat people when I'm going on little sleep, frantically trying to figure out where to be next, making sure we have all our props, supervising who knows how many kids?
That's when I take a deep breath and turn it all over to God. Some of this stuff just doesn't matter. Some of it does.
The leadership training that goes on is our children watching us respond in these situations. Do I respond with frustration and anger? Do I yell and threaten?
Or do I respond with love and a soft answer? Do I remain calm? Do I apologize when I am in the wrong?
Do I remember the big picture? Leadership Training for Christ. Yes, they give us a theme. We come up with all sorts of skits, songs, etc. that embody the theme, but the real challenge is: Can we display the theme in the way we behave?
So I turn the other cheek in my drama. But, do I turn the other cheek when my teammate snaps at me?
I go the extra mile in my puppet skit. But, do I go that extra mile when I'm asked to do something I've already done or don't want to do?
It's not about how I display the theme in a skit or poem or photo or song. It's how I display the theme in my life- my actions.
Yes, I'm convinced that when God is watching His children participate in LTC, it is not the medal count that he is looking for. It is how His children treat each other.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Whole30 Day 8
As I walked out of the teachers' lounge after heating up my Whole30 lunch, I glanced up at the vending machine. Honey buns, chips, cookies, candy bars. All calling out to me. Where have you been, Carol? Why aren't you buying us the way you used to. Sigh.
I've heard that there is no such thing as junk food. There's junk. And there's food. Period. Wow. That really hit me.
This is my second run through the Whole30, but it's still hard. I still crave sweets, and bread, and dairy. Everything I'm supposed to be staying away from during these 30 days.
I feel better. I have more energy. My clothes are looser. I know I'm healthier. Why do I still want the stuff that's bad for me?
Story of my life. Battle of my life. Why do I eat what I eat? The things I know I should eat, those I do not eat. The things I know I shouldn't eat- that's what I eat. Sigh. (Carol's version of Romans 7)
It tastes sooooo good. That's why. Or is it? Am I just used to junk? Hmmmm...
So I was thinking about spiritual junk. How much of that have I put into my body- my soul? Why?
It has such a good story.
It has a really good beat to it.
It's so much fun!
Look at those muscles!
He's so cute!
It has such a good love story in it.
All my friends are watching it, listening to it, reading it, doing it.
Blah, blah, blah. Yeah.
I started filtering junk out of my life years ago. I would ask myself, "Is this bringing me closer to God?" "Will my life be more of what God wants it to be because of this activity?" "Will my life really be so bad without this?"
You may laugh, but I've never seen the movies "Dirty Dancing" or "Footloose" because of this. It may seem silly, but as a teenager, it was a big deal for me. I'm fairly certain that my life isn't less meaningful because of missing out on these. I'm not trying to pick on these two movies. I'm just giving an example.
Have I seen and done things I shouldn't have? Plenty. Ugh. I think it's even harder as an adult. No one checks IDs. No one questions me. It's me and God. It's up to me what spiritual food I eat.
Now I'm trying to train my children to be careful what they put in their souls. When they were little, I controlled everything that went into their brains. Now that they are older, they are making their own choices. Part of that is to see what else is out there. Especially with movies and music.
I had to learn in my own time. God, please give me patience as I wait for them to learn in their own times.
Over the years, the more I got used to spiritually only putting in "the good stuff" I learned to not want the "junk" as much. Not that I've got it all down perfectly, but for the most part now, when I hear or see "junk" I tend to cringe. I just don't like being around it.
Sigh. Now I need to get that way with physical food.
I've heard that there is no such thing as junk food. There's junk. And there's food. Period. Wow. That really hit me.
This is my second run through the Whole30, but it's still hard. I still crave sweets, and bread, and dairy. Everything I'm supposed to be staying away from during these 30 days.
I feel better. I have more energy. My clothes are looser. I know I'm healthier. Why do I still want the stuff that's bad for me?
Story of my life. Battle of my life. Why do I eat what I eat? The things I know I should eat, those I do not eat. The things I know I shouldn't eat- that's what I eat. Sigh. (Carol's version of Romans 7)
It tastes sooooo good. That's why. Or is it? Am I just used to junk? Hmmmm...
So I was thinking about spiritual junk. How much of that have I put into my body- my soul? Why?
It has such a good story.
It has a really good beat to it.
It's so much fun!
Look at those muscles!
He's so cute!
It has such a good love story in it.
All my friends are watching it, listening to it, reading it, doing it.
Blah, blah, blah. Yeah.
I started filtering junk out of my life years ago. I would ask myself, "Is this bringing me closer to God?" "Will my life be more of what God wants it to be because of this activity?" "Will my life really be so bad without this?"
You may laugh, but I've never seen the movies "Dirty Dancing" or "Footloose" because of this. It may seem silly, but as a teenager, it was a big deal for me. I'm fairly certain that my life isn't less meaningful because of missing out on these. I'm not trying to pick on these two movies. I'm just giving an example.
Have I seen and done things I shouldn't have? Plenty. Ugh. I think it's even harder as an adult. No one checks IDs. No one questions me. It's me and God. It's up to me what spiritual food I eat.
Now I'm trying to train my children to be careful what they put in their souls. When they were little, I controlled everything that went into their brains. Now that they are older, they are making their own choices. Part of that is to see what else is out there. Especially with movies and music.
I had to learn in my own time. God, please give me patience as I wait for them to learn in their own times.
Over the years, the more I got used to spiritually only putting in "the good stuff" I learned to not want the "junk" as much. Not that I've got it all down perfectly, but for the most part now, when I hear or see "junk" I tend to cringe. I just don't like being around it.
Sigh. Now I need to get that way with physical food.
Monday, April 1, 2013
God's Love For Me (and You!)
Many times, when talking about God sending Jesus to earth to die on the cross for us, people make such comments as "I love you and all, but I'd never give up my son for you" or "I can't even imagine the pain of giving up my son" and the like. We hear how unimaginable it seems to give away something so precious for the world. A world that didn't even seem to care.
Well, when I think about Jesus dying on the cross for me, I think about it a bit differently. Let me explain. Stay with me.
Pretty much any parent I know would not hesitate to jump in front of a bullet for their child. And most people that I know, if not a parent, have a niece or nephew or younger sister or brother or other loved one in their lives that they would gladly jump into a volcano for if it meant saving them. A love like that doesn't even really have to think. It's a sacrifice that is gladly made. To save the one they love. Because that love is so deep and sure.
And that love was not earned. It just is. And that love may not even be appreciated. It is still given. Sometimes that love may not even be acknowledged. Still, it flows.
Well, that's how I look at Jesus dying for me. I see God as the Trinity (Father/Spirit/Son) and when it became obvious that we were going to need saving (that happened pretty soon after the creation of man), well, that love was so deep and sure that of course He would do anything for us. In a heart beat. Whatever we need. Gladly.
I would gladly jump into a pot of boiling oil to save one of my sons. It doesn't matter if he's mad at me. It doesn't matter if he even cares that I love him. It doesn't matter if he deserves to be saved or not- or wants to be saved or not. I love him. He's mine. Period.
I think most people feel that way about someone. At least I hope they do.
That's unconditional love. So, think about that love that you have for that certain someone. A child. A friend. A spouse. Think about that love that you have that would make you freely jump in front of a train to save them.
Then multiply that love a million times over and maybe we begin to see how God feels about us.
I mean, I don't even feel like I can compare human love to God's love, but that's all I have to compare it to, I guess. I mean, to think that God loves me (and you) so terribly much that He gladly dies in our place. Even if we rejected him. Even if we hated him. Even if we were the ones who killed him. Even if we didn't even know him.
And that human love I was talking about. It's not because of anything that person did. It's because of who that person is. Period. Same with God. We are each of us, individually, his child. Loved, not because of anything we've done, but simply because of who we are- His creation. We belong to Him. We're His.
And you know that movie/story where the man sacrifices his own son to save a train full of unaware passengers? Well, it's a nice movie/story and all, but God didn't send his son to die for a world full of unnamed faces. Jesus didn't die for a group of people He didn't know. Jesus died for individuals. Each one named, known, important, chosen. His. That's us!
I don't know about you, but that makes me feel pretty loved. Pretty unconditionally loved. Now, the response is up to me.
So, I will think about all that Jesus went through leading to the cross of Calvary. Pain, rejection, ridicule, beatings. But, more than that, I will think about the love that He had. So much love that He had for me. Has for me. Before I even knew Him, He already knew and loved me. And now knows and loves me.
And you know, if I were to take a bullet for a child of mine, I think that my last thought would be something like, "Whew, he's safe!"
It brings a smile to my face to think that perhaps as Jesus said, "It is finished," that maybe he felt a sense of relief, "Whew, they're safe." And I am. I hope you are, too.
He was on the cross for me. For you. Because he just loves us that much.
Well, when I think about Jesus dying on the cross for me, I think about it a bit differently. Let me explain. Stay with me.
Pretty much any parent I know would not hesitate to jump in front of a bullet for their child. And most people that I know, if not a parent, have a niece or nephew or younger sister or brother or other loved one in their lives that they would gladly jump into a volcano for if it meant saving them. A love like that doesn't even really have to think. It's a sacrifice that is gladly made. To save the one they love. Because that love is so deep and sure.
And that love was not earned. It just is. And that love may not even be appreciated. It is still given. Sometimes that love may not even be acknowledged. Still, it flows.
Well, that's how I look at Jesus dying for me. I see God as the Trinity (Father/Spirit/Son) and when it became obvious that we were going to need saving (that happened pretty soon after the creation of man), well, that love was so deep and sure that of course He would do anything for us. In a heart beat. Whatever we need. Gladly.
I would gladly jump into a pot of boiling oil to save one of my sons. It doesn't matter if he's mad at me. It doesn't matter if he even cares that I love him. It doesn't matter if he deserves to be saved or not- or wants to be saved or not. I love him. He's mine. Period.
I think most people feel that way about someone. At least I hope they do.
That's unconditional love. So, think about that love that you have for that certain someone. A child. A friend. A spouse. Think about that love that you have that would make you freely jump in front of a train to save them.
Then multiply that love a million times over and maybe we begin to see how God feels about us.
I mean, I don't even feel like I can compare human love to God's love, but that's all I have to compare it to, I guess. I mean, to think that God loves me (and you) so terribly much that He gladly dies in our place. Even if we rejected him. Even if we hated him. Even if we were the ones who killed him. Even if we didn't even know him.
And that human love I was talking about. It's not because of anything that person did. It's because of who that person is. Period. Same with God. We are each of us, individually, his child. Loved, not because of anything we've done, but simply because of who we are- His creation. We belong to Him. We're His.
And you know that movie/story where the man sacrifices his own son to save a train full of unaware passengers? Well, it's a nice movie/story and all, but God didn't send his son to die for a world full of unnamed faces. Jesus didn't die for a group of people He didn't know. Jesus died for individuals. Each one named, known, important, chosen. His. That's us!
I don't know about you, but that makes me feel pretty loved. Pretty unconditionally loved. Now, the response is up to me.
So, I will think about all that Jesus went through leading to the cross of Calvary. Pain, rejection, ridicule, beatings. But, more than that, I will think about the love that He had. So much love that He had for me. Has for me. Before I even knew Him, He already knew and loved me. And now knows and loves me.
And you know, if I were to take a bullet for a child of mine, I think that my last thought would be something like, "Whew, he's safe!"
It brings a smile to my face to think that perhaps as Jesus said, "It is finished," that maybe he felt a sense of relief, "Whew, they're safe." And I am. I hope you are, too.
He was on the cross for me. For you. Because he just loves us that much.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Woe to Me.... or That's Fair, You See!
I used to be pretty harsh on the Pharisees, that is until I realized that I was one. Now, I consider myself to be a recovering Pharisee.
I shared those sentiments in Bible class last Sunday. "Carol, I can't quite see you as a Pharisee," was one response. Isn't that the point, though? I mean, it was difficult for me to see myself as a Pharisee as well.
To us in modern times, the word Pharisee is associated with words such as hypocrite, false, judgemental. But, back then, a Pharisee was righteous, pious, a rule follower, did everything right (or at least appeared to). Well, THAT was me. And if I had those positive traits, perhaps I needed to examine myself to see if I had the negative traits as well.
Religious leader? Yes, I would say that I was. I was active in many areas of the church, and in charge of a few.
Rule follower? Definitely. I did really try to follow all the rules. And, it mattered to me that people knew that. I wanted to be a good example, and there's nothing wrong with that, but like with the Pharisees, there was more to the story.
Harsh and judgemental? Whoa, this one is tough for me, but yes, I was. I didn't have much pity for those who made poor choices. Actually, I didn't have much pity for those who made choices that I wouldn't have made. I didn't have much pity for those who thought differently from me. I was right. They were wrong. Wrong. Period.
Yes, I was very concerned with being right. I could argue someone under the table. I had multiple scriptures to back up everything I said. Oh, I'd call it a debate or religious discussion, or even a Bible study, but really, I was arguing. I see that now.
And then I started asking myself, what is the right thing to do? Well, Jesus said first- love God. Second- love people. So, how was I doing on that? Gulp.
So, now I'm not so harsh on the Pharisees. I know that the only group that Jesus WAS hard on was the religious leaders (including the you-know-whos), but hear me out.
The Pharisees THOUGHT that they were doing what they were supposed to. They thought they had it all figured out (ding! ding! me again!). They thought it was their duty to point out the errors of others (wow, I really was one!). But, they missed the point (ugh- so did I).
When Jesus spoke to the Pharisees, he didn't say they had everything wrong. What he said was this:
Matthew 23:23-26
For me, the bottom line is that the Pharisees had become more concerned with how men saw them than with how God saw them. That is a deadly pattern that I had also fallen into. I didn't mean to, I just did. Perhaps the Pharisees didn't mean to, either.
I shared those sentiments in Bible class last Sunday. "Carol, I can't quite see you as a Pharisee," was one response. Isn't that the point, though? I mean, it was difficult for me to see myself as a Pharisee as well.
To us in modern times, the word Pharisee is associated with words such as hypocrite, false, judgemental. But, back then, a Pharisee was righteous, pious, a rule follower, did everything right (or at least appeared to). Well, THAT was me. And if I had those positive traits, perhaps I needed to examine myself to see if I had the negative traits as well.
Religious leader? Yes, I would say that I was. I was active in many areas of the church, and in charge of a few.
Rule follower? Definitely. I did really try to follow all the rules. And, it mattered to me that people knew that. I wanted to be a good example, and there's nothing wrong with that, but like with the Pharisees, there was more to the story.
Harsh and judgemental? Whoa, this one is tough for me, but yes, I was. I didn't have much pity for those who made poor choices. Actually, I didn't have much pity for those who made choices that I wouldn't have made. I didn't have much pity for those who thought differently from me. I was right. They were wrong. Wrong. Period.
Yes, I was very concerned with being right. I could argue someone under the table. I had multiple scriptures to back up everything I said. Oh, I'd call it a debate or religious discussion, or even a Bible study, but really, I was arguing. I see that now.
And then I started asking myself, what is the right thing to do? Well, Jesus said first- love God. Second- love people. So, how was I doing on that? Gulp.
So, now I'm not so harsh on the Pharisees. I know that the only group that Jesus WAS hard on was the religious leaders (including the you-know-whos), but hear me out.
The Pharisees THOUGHT that they were doing what they were supposed to. They thought they had it all figured out (ding! ding! me again!). They thought it was their duty to point out the errors of others (wow, I really was one!). But, they missed the point (ugh- so did I).
When Jesus spoke to the Pharisees, he didn't say they had everything wrong. What he said was this:
Matthew 23:23-26
Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel. Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.
Wow, did you catch that? More important matters of the law. More important. What was more important? Justice, mercy, and faithfulness- that's what.
How many times was I more concerned with being on time for church (straining out a gnat) than how I treated my children (swallowing a camel)? How many times did I yell at my children so we wouldn't be late? How many times was I more concerned with how my family appeared to be than how we actually were? Sometimes it took all my energy to look like everything was ok, and then I had nothing left to give to actually work on my family life. Something had to change.
How many times was I more concerned with being on time for church (straining out a gnat) than how I treated my children (swallowing a camel)? How many times did I yell at my children so we wouldn't be late? How many times was I more concerned with how my family appeared to be than how we actually were? Sometimes it took all my energy to look like everything was ok, and then I had nothing left to give to actually work on my family life. Something had to change.
Jesus tells the Pharisees two ways that they needed to change:
First, keep following the law, but don't forget about the more important matters of the law. It may be important to be at worship service, but it's more important to be loving. It is important to be a good example, but it's more important to have a pure heart.
Over the last 10 years or so, I slowly began to get the picture.
Second, Jesus tells them to clean the inside, and then the outside will also be clean. Get your heart right, and your life will show it. Fill your life with love for God and others, and you will be the example that you need to be.
Ah, makes sense. But, to do that, I had to learn to let go. Let go of this image I had of how I wanted to be seen. The image of being perfect and right all the time that I tried so hard to maintain. I had to let go of the fear of disappointing people. And I had to let go of the pain of actually disappointing them. Because it happened. How could it not?
For me, the bottom line is that the Pharisees had become more concerned with how men saw them than with how God saw them. That is a deadly pattern that I had also fallen into. I didn't mean to, I just did. Perhaps the Pharisees didn't mean to, either.
The more I realized that my heart needed to change, the more I realized that I had much in common with the Pharisees. They meant well. I meant well. They tried. I tried. They failed. I failed. They sent Jesus to the cross. I sent Jesus to the cross. Jesus died for them. Jesus died for me. Jesus wanted them to change. Jesus wanted me to change.
Did they change? Paul did. In a big way. It appears that Nicodemus changed. Did others? I don't know. I hope so.
Did I change? Not overnight, but I'm getting there. I remember how hard-headed I could be. I'm so thankful for the patience and understanding offered by those around me while I learned to care more about what God wants me to do (love others) and less about what man expects me to do. I'm thankful that those who saw my flaws didn't slap me upside the head, but instead, loved me as God molded me. I'm thankful that those who witnessed my failures didn't point them out over and over, but instead forgave me. And of course, I'm thankful that God continued to be patient, loving and kind.
So, if I was offered such grace and mercy, shouldn't I offer the same to my fellow Pharisees? I know what it's like. I've been there.
Did they change? Paul did. In a big way. It appears that Nicodemus changed. Did others? I don't know. I hope so.
Did I change? Not overnight, but I'm getting there. I remember how hard-headed I could be. I'm so thankful for the patience and understanding offered by those around me while I learned to care more about what God wants me to do (love others) and less about what man expects me to do. I'm thankful that those who saw my flaws didn't slap me upside the head, but instead, loved me as God molded me. I'm thankful that those who witnessed my failures didn't point them out over and over, but instead forgave me. And of course, I'm thankful that God continued to be patient, loving and kind.
So, if I was offered such grace and mercy, shouldn't I offer the same to my fellow Pharisees? I know what it's like. I've been there.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
The Desires of My Heart
Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.
This verse has long been a favorite of mine. I must admit, however, that when I was younger, much younger- as a teenager, I sort of saw this verse as a way to get what I wanted. Basically, if I do what God says to do, then He will give me what I want. I mean, isn't that what the verse says? To a teenage girl, and then to a girl in her twenties and even beyond, life is full of dreams. Waiting for the day that Prince Charming rides up on his white horse to take me away to live happily ever after.
I believed that if I obeyed God and His teachings, then this verse promised He would give me the desires of my heart. And the desires of my heart were to fall in love, be a Christian wife and mother and raise a happy family. There. Are those desires so bad? Would that quid pro quo be so terrible?
I mean, I didn't see it like I was using God, only that I was being rewarded for being faithful. When I was 27, my dream came true. I walked down the aisle toward my knight in shining armor. And for a few years, I had all the desires of my heart. It had worked. My patience and trust had paid off. I was a walking example of how first you delight yourself in the Lord, and then He'll give you the desires of your heart. My life was complete.
And then, when I was 34, the bottom fell out. My husband left. Now, wait a minute. Being a single mother to a toddler and an infant was not part of the desires of my heart. This was not what I signed up for. At all. What about God's promise?
Well, the years went by and the lessons I learned were painful, but necessary. For a while, I still thought, ok, God gives everyone free will, so my husband always had a choice to leave, but surely, if I continue to delight in the Lord, that means that God will find another love for me.
And He did. Just not the way that I thought He would.
The more time I spent with God, the more time I spent listening to Him, the more I learned. Then one day it hit me. When I truly delight myself in the Lord, He WILL give me the desires of my heart. Because the desires of my heart will be HIM! He will be the desire of my heart. Him. Him and him alone.
When I delight myself in the Lord, I have everything I could ever need.
So, the happy ending doesn't come when the prince comes to carry the princess away to live happily ever after. The happy ending comes when the hole in my heart is filled. The happy ending comes when I'm complete.
I'm not saying that I won't ever get married again, I may. But, for now, I already have my happy ending.
This verse has long been a favorite of mine. I must admit, however, that when I was younger, much younger- as a teenager, I sort of saw this verse as a way to get what I wanted. Basically, if I do what God says to do, then He will give me what I want. I mean, isn't that what the verse says? To a teenage girl, and then to a girl in her twenties and even beyond, life is full of dreams. Waiting for the day that Prince Charming rides up on his white horse to take me away to live happily ever after.
I believed that if I obeyed God and His teachings, then this verse promised He would give me the desires of my heart. And the desires of my heart were to fall in love, be a Christian wife and mother and raise a happy family. There. Are those desires so bad? Would that quid pro quo be so terrible?
I mean, I didn't see it like I was using God, only that I was being rewarded for being faithful. When I was 27, my dream came true. I walked down the aisle toward my knight in shining armor. And for a few years, I had all the desires of my heart. It had worked. My patience and trust had paid off. I was a walking example of how first you delight yourself in the Lord, and then He'll give you the desires of your heart. My life was complete.
And then, when I was 34, the bottom fell out. My husband left. Now, wait a minute. Being a single mother to a toddler and an infant was not part of the desires of my heart. This was not what I signed up for. At all. What about God's promise?
Well, the years went by and the lessons I learned were painful, but necessary. For a while, I still thought, ok, God gives everyone free will, so my husband always had a choice to leave, but surely, if I continue to delight in the Lord, that means that God will find another love for me.
And He did. Just not the way that I thought He would.
The more time I spent with God, the more time I spent listening to Him, the more I learned. Then one day it hit me. When I truly delight myself in the Lord, He WILL give me the desires of my heart. Because the desires of my heart will be HIM! He will be the desire of my heart. Him. Him and him alone.
When I delight myself in the Lord, I have everything I could ever need.
So, the happy ending doesn't come when the prince comes to carry the princess away to live happily ever after. The happy ending comes when the hole in my heart is filled. The happy ending comes when I'm complete.
I'm not saying that I won't ever get married again, I may. But, for now, I already have my happy ending.
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